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Daren in Brief - WATCHMEN SUCKS
by Daren Foster

Watchmen Sucks

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Daren in Brief
Watchmen Sucks

by Daren Foster

It’s not something I do very often. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did. Packed up and headed out to a Friday night showing on a movie’s opening weekend. Especially a superhero/comic book movie’s opening weekend.

But I went to see Watchmen last night, 10pm showing. Don’t ask me why. I got caught up in the hype. A trailer caught my attention a little while back. Explosions. Gunfire. A big blue bald naked guy. Massive Attack on the soundtrack. This I gotta see, I remember telling myself. So I did.

You’ll be surprised to know that the theater was packed, teeming with people. Line-ups to get into line-ups. This is not how I normally see movies. Cold half filled theatres where I have a choice of seats and direct access to the concession stands. That’s my kind of movie going environment. But this.. this. People everywhere. People dressed up, out on dates. The guy crammed in beside me is wearing cologne. Cologne?! It smells like the concession stand. Is it that new chocolate-y thing that I’ve seen on billboards around town? I’m tempted to lick his cheek to find out but figure it might not be taken in the spirit intended.

I’m unsettled as the movie starts, I guess is what I’m trying to convey here. I might not be in the right frame of mind. Perhaps I shouldn’t have washed down the Percocet (still recovering from recent hip replacement surgery) with a couple pints of Strongbow. Suddenly the thought of watching a translucent big blue bald naked guy spouting pseudo-philosophical clutter doesn’t seem like such a good way to spend a Friday night. Maybe the soothing refrains of Massive Attack will calm my frayed nerves.

Almost 3 hours on and there’s no Massive Attack. I’ve been duped. Again. Every time I come out of the latest grown-up movie adaptation of some groundbreaking graphic novel, I think, well, they really couldn’t make anything more grandiosely and misguidedly self-important. And every time I’m wrong. They can. With Watchmen they have truly out done themselves in terms of utter puerility. Just another big, steaming hunk of pure empty posturing. And deadly boring to boot! Who knew superheroes would talk so much?! And where the fuck is Massive Attack?! I was promised Massive Attack!!

Maybe it’s just the Percocet talking but you’d think I would’ve learned by now.