Vanessa Ruane's Blog February 21st 2007
Vanessa Ruane deals with everyday life The stress of the freelance world is overbearing at times. It’s so hard not to worry about money. I just returned from my annual physical, where I learned I am very healthy and in great shape. There is so much gratitude and relief I experience in hearing this but it doesn’t alleviate my anxiety. It is strange to me how the mind works. How I can feel less stress when faced with the crisis of losing a location we are not finished shooting, or learn the actress is not coming to work. Why do I actually feel less stressed when working? My only guess is that these problems I have control over. I can solve them. I can decide to drop the scene or recast or re-evaluate a scene and decide if we really need it to tell our story. There are solutions. But faith has no solutions. Faith is just faith. You work hard, do your best, put your work out there and have faith it will bring other work. Have faith people will see it and like it. The whole faith part is where I struggle. At a time where I am dipping into my savings to spend the month writing a spec script I am filled with faith and with that faith for me comes doubt – the meanest mother of them all. Believe in yourself. It feels so Disney when I say it. But to truly, deeply know inside that you have purpose and work to share that is meaningful to others. To be able to fully encompass that in your whole being and take that confidence out into the world – that is a goal that I still strive for. To feel the abundance without financial reward is possible. I know that monks and priests have lived these kinds of lives. But I grew up living in a material world and find it hard to rise above being a material girl. I once heard a quote that talked about a train ride. When focusing on the destination and how long it was taking to get there the rider missed the journey. I find comfort in that and will try today to take some time to look out the window and take in the life around me.
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