SECOND GUESS
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I’ve been having trouble on what to write about in this blog. I have been thinking about it since about two weeks ago. Or since I had done the Radio show with matt, Jen and Wes Berger. I need to talk about my experience on that. I loved it for the most part they were all gracious and wonderful about making me feel comfortable. I would definitely do again. I walked away a little hard on myself and realizing more things I could’ve said that could’ve benefitted listeners. I humbled myself and let it go understanding nothing else was said and what we all did talk about was important and fun and I was there representing my age group of artists that are just like me.
Since then I have been doing rehearsal and I have been really good to myself. I have been more daring and more connected. I feel like I am finally letting the moment take me and letting my inhibitions go and letting myself be thrown more into the world of the character’s understanding that anything can happen, and that is the way life is. I have learned that a lot from all the death that has happened in my family. To surprise deaths through rare diseases to letting my grandfather who lived in peace go solemnly. At the last couple of rehearsals I felt like I was really grounded and new things are coming out that have never come before and I’m just letting them flow through my body. In fact my improv training has had a big effect on connecting me to a more fearless nature in my work and allowing me to even understand and connect my theatre school training
I just found out that I will be laid off of my job in May. I am now going to have to find a new job. I didn’t get many auditions for the summer theatres. Mostly they were musicals and that is something I haven’t ventured into and don’t really want to, even though I have grown a respect for them. So I don’t know what I’m going to do right now. It is one of those things though. I’m not very stressed out about it, but it is really tough having to get another joe job when you know you could be using that time to be acting or creating. I feel bad for saying that a little, because I haven’t really taken advantage to create this winter as much as I wanted to even though I have been doing classes and rehearsals. There is still that feeling that wants me to breathe acting all the time. I have been a hardcore dreamer this winter. I think it’s probably because it is the easiest thing to do, to get stuck in your own world, but I’m ready to quit thinking again and do some stuff. I’m starting to write comedy with my friend for one. I started yoga today and that felt great. The spring is coming and I want to tear the world apart and understand it more. If anyone who reads this wants to work on acting scenes just give me a holler.
Even though this winter has been lax I have taken a deeper interest in watching people and even people I know and realizing new things about them. It is invigorating to my respect of finding new ways to love a person. Self absorption can really bring a person to ignorance of awareness. I’ll admit I’ve gone through it for a time. So I understand how important it is to learn how to work with those kind of people and I do it by showing them respect and everyone likes respect, so no bad blood is created.
Now the business part of this lifestyle. I am confused about it again. Everyone has different opinions and I have been trying to glue peoples experiences together to make my auditions better and even get seen for auditions. I am not in the “room” yet and some of my friends are in and they are getting great auditions. I feel so far behind, but it is only that wall I have to break down to get there. People keep saying there is no work, and I am in a bad category where I don’t look quite young enough or I don’t look quite old enough. I can only hear the same words from people so many times before my ambition starts to take over and ignore when people say things that make me feel there is no hope right now. I talked to my girlfriend and she brought up New York and it sounds like a good idea. It is something I have thought about ever since I went there last summer. If I ever make a movie I am going to cast people who have trouble because of the way they look, just like the guys back in the early 70s in the New Hollywood movement. I get all wound up, but I still need to get my foot in the door. Until that day, I will keep working and thinking and watching debates and maybe some day we can have a new generational pull with each other, which actually I see it happening through the new wave of indie music, but a lot of people don’t see it because of the top 40. It seems in the end I found some stuff to write about. I will not second guess myself again.
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