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Daren in Brief - REMAKES AND DO-OVERS
by Daren Foster

Remakes and Do-Overs

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Daren in Brief
Remakes and Do-Overs

by Daren Foster

I’m gently squeezing an artichoke at my local fruit and vegetable stand (no, that isn’t a euphemism) when my ears prick up (no, that isn’t one either) to the familiar strains of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. It isn’t Cohen singing (for chrissakes, that’s not a euphemism either. Get your mind out of the gutter, would you?!) In fact, it’s not a version of the song I’m familiar with and I’m immediately on edge as it has a sound quality that brings to mind Mariah Carey/Whitney Houston and all the other faux R&B divas. Over-produced, needless scale hopping, American Idol pimping dreck that send me scurrying out of elevators to huff and puff up 24 flights of stairs to my destination. Yeah, I hate it that much.

If my research is right, this one’s from Alexandra Burke, some British reality show winner and, truthfully, she doesn’t fare as badly as I initially feared with over-the-top swelling strings and high-pitched trills. Still, it’s eminently forgettable and one wonders why people do covers if they’re not going to bring anything new to the table. Hallelujah’s been redone -- and I’m just guessing here -- in the neighbourhood of 4 million times and none better than Jeff Buckley in my humble and unoriginal opinion, so just what makes you think you’re so special Ms. Burke that we’d want to hear a version from you? Apparently nothing, as the singer was quoted saying that the song “…just didn’t do anything for me” after it hit number 1 on the British charts late last year and in all likelihood knocking yet another re-re-re-release of The Beatles O-blah-di, O-blah-da from the top perch in the process.

I know, I know. Burke only sang the song because she had to for the reality show she was competing on, The X Factor. The X Factor released the song because from a marketing standpoint consumer familiarity makes good business sense. (Translation? Marketers are lazy fuckers who are overly compensated for finding the easiest, least work involved line between two points.) And consumers lap up every rehashed, retreaded remake because.. ?

Bringing me to the recent news that Hollywood has finally given the greenlight to a big screen update of The 3 Stooges. According to sources linked on this very website, it has been a decade long dream of the filmmaking Farrelly Brothers and has confirmed Jim Carrey imitating Robert Deniro imitating Jake LaMotta and putting on 40 lbs. to portray Curly, Sean Penn will play Larry and they’re zeroing in on Benicio Del Toro for Moe. I am not making this up.

Now, as much as I’d love to watch someone poke Sean Penn in the eye for a couple of hours, haven’t we picked the 3 Stooges’ bones clean? Hasn’t that been Jim Carrey’s bread-and-butter since his star-making turn as Ace Venture: Pet Detective? What was the Farrelly Bros.’ Dumb and Dumber if not simply the Two Stooges?

Maybe it’s just the next logical step but I really think we as the movie going public need to draw a line here. This madness must be stopped or the next thing you know, they’ll be wheeling out a movie remake of Three’s Company.