PUSHING FORWARD
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There’s been stabbings in my neighbourhood today. One block away and they were random. I had to walk home from work late tonight, because not having enough money I can’t afford a cab, so I risk it. I was really aware and I was nervous. I don’t live by the best area in the city, but it’s not the worst. When people are getting stabbed in the middle of the day though and it was near the times I was going out and waiting for the streetcar, just like the victims, to take me to help out with some friends coaching Shakespeare to high school students. I’m talking about this because if a random stabber is going to stop me from doing what I need to do then so be it. Even if I am feeling, in my bones, a worrisome anger swelling brilliantly. When I walked home I was on my guard. I could hear everything. Senses heightened to an extreme depth. I wasn’t going to let this murderer stop me now.
I learned something about myself with this incident happening and that was that I need to be alive and bring something to the people around me still. I realize I only stop myself time and time again, and the wonder comes dwelling in loud and raucous as ever in my thoughts and heart. The wonder of if it is ever going to be easier and I believe it is as I observe my older friends and acquaintances around me. It’s quite beautiful to see, but I can’t help but watch and feel through my own process.
I have been accepting lately that I have done everything perfectly, well timed and flawlessly for my own soul and experience. For example people told me to join ACTRA and others told me not too, because I need to get more experience first. I joined. That’s what I did. I have friends that are doing well in the non-union run, but I didn’t choose that route. I went with this one. I’m not afraid anymore. If I get screwed by ACTRA then I will keep finding ways to do what I love. It’s nice to have an agent who I’m developing a good relationship with and friends that recommend, but I need to rely on myself most of all and meet the right people that make me free, meaning being around positive hardworking passionate people.
I am having a hard time in rehearsals for a play I am doing. I’m playing a fellow that never grew up, because a brick hit me on the head as a kid and knocked my brain out of whack. This has proved really challenging. I don’t feel ready and we open next Wednesday on Halloween. I was scared, but now I’m not stressing it, because I have learned a lot. I have had a lot of successful performances in the last year. They were successful, because I felt uninhibited and I think some of the pressure of the last performances are hanging over my head still. I have to let them go. Some characters I don’t want to move on from. I think about them and think what a great perfromance I gave, I can really do this. I guess this is a positve way of knowing that I have the talent, but when I compare myself to different roles I am going to bring myself to struggle, because I want to top the last performance. I’m letting it go and trusting that each performance will hold its own and I will growing in the process. I am growing even thinking about that and what I have been going through.
I felt really bad during rehearsals, because I don’t really know what I was doing, but I was searching. I am always searching. This was awhile ago, but I got really offended by my director for telling me I was phoning it in. I don’t know if it was the right words to use, but I took huge offence, because I would never in my life phone in anything. I was just looking bad, because I needed to make bad choices to free my self up more so I feel more comfortable in the environment I was working. I blamed myself and that’s when I started putting the pressure on and started killing myself over this role and when I kept going back to rehearsal I got stuck and couldn’t shake it and the more I got stuck the more I stayed and forced and pushed and struggled and couldn’t stop myself and my friend who is the director was telling to stop worrying and take the pressure off and then I started to question how to eve do that. I don’t know. All that training and I can’t do this. More and more pressure started to build. I started working extra hard on the piece, but feeling absolutely lost. I didn’t even want to rehearse and I had many days of the whys? And feeling like a complete and utter failure. I went to work which is where I’d rather be than rehearsal. When I was feeling like that the big, BIG questions started coming. If I feel this way then I shouldn’t even be doing this, but I’d let a fuck load of people down that believe in me. I was in a sorry state.
I am working with a group of friends too that are learning as well, so why did I get so stressed. I’ve come to far to go back. I went the rehearsal last Saturday and I felt a little better, but I still felt choppy and stuck in most places during the run. I was afraid of phoning it in. I think that is a horrible term that can be misused. People that phone it in are people that put forth no effort and want it all done so they can drink at the bar. If actor’s are sucking ass it doesn’t mean they are phoning it in. They could be working, but they are just not getting in or understand fully what is happening. I’ve noticed actors that seem like they are faking it, but they are working through teir insecurities which is one of the most wonderful most beautiful things about this art form, getting up in front of people and accepting yourself in front of them as YOU in the process. It’s tough and fucked up and hard, but I truly belive it is ultimate rewarding and worth it if you can really be brave and do it. Anyway back to rehearsal. I finished rehearsal and I had to talk to somebody. I do a lot of listening and little talking, but when in need I call my wise old dad. He gave me a few pointers and let me talk. It wasn’t until after I had realized what I was doing that was making this process difficult for me. My whole life people have told me that I worry too much, that I listen too much. It was always used very negatively towards me like it was a flaw. It’s not a flaw it’s a part of me, like everyone else, except sociopaths maybe. I embraced it for the first time since I was a child. I felt a burden had dropped. I don’t need to be afraid anymore of being a worrier. I was only a worrier to extremes, because I care and I rather would have that gift that an asshole. The more I figure these things out the more I’m going to be able to have fun. The more I see beauty and pain I can accept what’s happening in the moment and have a good time. I wonder what the next part of the journey is. It really is time I go and pick up that professional gig.
