Itís 4:45 am, late now or really early, depending on how you look at it. The Witching hour! I woke up and couldnít get back to sleep. Iíve had a grumpy couple of days. Holly Golightly called them the ďmean redsĒ.
Precious Chong and Collaboration
I met with a director about working on a new one-man show. We met at the Second Cup across from Downward Dog. I work with him at my Joe job but Wes worked with him on a show and said he was a really good director. I like to collaborate. I did a solo show a couple of years back and Iíve been writing and thinking of doing something new. The director I usually work with, Michael Kearns, is in Los Angeles. We worked together on my show for two years. So by the end we had great artistic shorthand.
Itís different though being here in Toronto. I feel like Iím starting from scratch, which on a good day feels like a clean slate, but right now feels daunting, overwhelming, impossible. Iím filled with doubt.
Precious Chong and what she writes
I usually write stuff from my life. Autobiographical work. I donít know if itís laziness or compulsion or exhibitionism. Itís just what Iíve done. So the new director asks me ďWhy do you write autobiographically?Ē I couldnít really give a good answer. Iím a narcissist. Iím obsessed with my navel. Iím a shy exhibitionist. The truth always seems more extraordinary than fiction. But now Iím writing about all thatís happened between Wes and I these past two years and well, itís not a solo show anymore. Also itís difficult for Wes because Iím saying all this stuff about our private life. ďAt least now youíre not writing about meĒ my mom joked at my last reading.
Okay what am I really saying? I was disappointed that the guy I met with wasnít more dazzled by my work. I was looking for approval or permission, something which I know is a total set up and not real. Iím an artist. I make art. Not everyoneís going to like it right? I guess thereís this part of me that still wants to please. Ugh. Iím afraid. The director had some good suggestions. I need to just not get neurotic and take what was good and move forward.
Precious Chong and her doubts
Ah but the voices in my headÖItís horrible. When I get like this. Iím a fraud, a phony, a fake, a dilettante. I think I had a dream the other night about this. ďUse your imagination!Ē someone in my dream said. But underneath all of this is the fact that it is scary material to look at. Wes and I are getting along now better than we have in a long time and to revisit some of this stuff seems potentially dangerous.
Iím homesick. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I was at an audition for McCainís Smoothees and this girl was talking about curling. Curling? And I donít mean curling her hair. You know that commercial where the woman is shopping and pushing the cart and all of a sudden these two woman start acting like sheís curling and they brush and sweep in front of the cart. The woman in the commercial was there and the other woman was saying how funny the commercial was and how she curls and blah blah blah. They all seemed to know each other and I felt left out. Itís like high school.