This longer poem came from the heady, almost intoxicating contact I had with a performer during and after her show, a time I can still conjure years later reading the poem.
These things I know when Jane smiled at me it went beyond friendship instantly we transcended passion love friendship years of getting to know instantly on a primal level flesh tearing nails hair smiled like a viper when I was funny because humour is an attempt to reflect reality And reality is cruel
we were violent vicious flying above the world choosing me like she did I loved her hated her was terrified deified
did I disappoint when Jane looked at me? beautiful delicate did no one else see the steel under her her eyes said did no one else understand Her humours were bitter biting incising down to bone and did no one but me realize we were being flayed? beautiful Jane smiles weakly meekly as she wields the scalpel nothing for the anesthetic cut the smiles go on down one better Jane beautiful Jane what were you thinking when you smiled turned the corners of your mouth up like a boat floating in dark waters, a lantern, a hook - because when you smiled to me there was a line drawn from my mouth to yours of strongest steel and I was frightened because everyone around was laughing and smiling and I was suddenly afraid for my life flexing my hand in memory of your handshake which was firm for me and pretty Jane for everyone else cutting me down to the phlanges and sinews I felt such a sense of specialness that I thought I might at last be able to begin my life's work I want to run with Jane Snakes through the forests where animals are smarter than the dumb humans who trail around to watch and never realize the performing beast is wielding a scalpel
What is it that makes my flesh more flayable than theirs so when Jane was putting tiny incisions into those around me her knife fell on my vitals
Bond of steel she cuts my lips and still I smile I know this is where I was meant to be where I want to be and the best part is - I can't share this with anyone except in code in scalpels which means in nothing because unless you know what you are looking at the cut will dissect you without you even noticing and you will walk around with no skin and maybe only wonder days or weeks later why you feel cold Was she disappointed when I came to talk to her breaking whatever image she had of me But I know at least that Jane is special - because I came close to her and rubbed my bare muscle and bone against hers (she was in worse shape than me having used her scalpel deliberately and consentingly on herself for years) and I wasn't disappointed I wanted to know more she was - really - there - really wonderful Beautiful Jane steel smile delicate scalpel hands let me sit at your feet and smile
