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by Daren Foster

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PAX AMERICANA
by Daren Foster

How to live well in America's 2nd century.

Sitting soaking up the sun as summer slowly makes its presence felt, torn between an early evening showing of Star Trek or taking in a Blue Jays game, I am struck by the thought that this is the life that most of the world aspires to. How couldn’t they? Previous generations fought and died to ensure that their children could wallow in the privilege of idling away their time pondering the choice of corporately provided passive entertainment. This is the American Dream©® lived by right thinking people the world over.

There are those nattering nabobs of negativity (thank you William Safire) who might rankle at the thought. American hegemony, they will shriek, laying waste to diverse cultures that bring a rainbow of colours to the human spectrum. Globalization and the shrinking of our world serve only to establish a sickly grey uniformity. The Golden Arches©® polluting the Champs-Élysées. Track slacks and Adidas©® are replacing suspendered jeans and Doc Martens on English football hooligans. Everybody Googling©®, Twittering©® and on the Facebook©®, turning their backs on age old traditions and pastimes that once made them unique.

Boo-hoo, I say to that, you bunch of fucking cry babies. Subjugation and assimilation have been with us since two groups of homo erectus went their separate ways upon leaving Africa a million years ago. Of sturdy Angle stock, do you hear me bitching and moaning about how the Saxons came and made us hyphenate our names? Deal with it and move one. For saving the world from the evils of Nazism and fending off the spread of insidious Soviet communism, America has earned the right to sell its wares wherever it sees fit and build monstrous military bases in any country whatsoever whether that country wants them there or not.

And I, as a willing and eager satellite vassal in Pax Americana, am entitled to fly to any of the four corners of earth and fully expect to converse fluently in the English language (I’m willing to talk a little more slowly and louder if need be -- I’m not an unreasonable man), eat french fries 24/7 and watch an episode of Friends after, say, a gruelling day out on an animal watching safari. That’s just simply how the world works. America didn’t make the rules. It just perfected them.

It seems, though, not every country, culture or society feels the same way. As hard as it is to believe, there are some people out there who not only refuse to act, talk and play like us, they actually resent the suggestion that they try. Yeah, I know. I’m as shocked and surprised as anyone. It’s almost as if they believe that they have superior lifestyles. That their food is better. That their TV is more interesting or relevant to their day-to-day existence. There are people out there in the hinterlands who behave as if the game of soccer is more interesting to follow than, say, baseball or the real football. I’m serious.

Take Ireland for example. Not an exotic locale by any stretch of the imagination. They speak the same language more or less, even if it’s with magically delicious accents that make it almost impossible not to giggle when you’re listening to them talk. They like their food deep fried and drink beer, although it’s mostly pitch black, making one wonder what exactly they’re putting into it. The Irish have a sentimental affinity for America as it was home to many of their ancestors who managed to escape when their potatoes went bad. Did you know potatoes could go bad? I’ve had some sitting in a bag under the sink for months and they seem just fine to me.

After embracing the whole globalization gestalt 10, 15 years ago, Ireland prospered like it hadn’t for thousands of years. The Celtic Tiger as it was dubbed, became the model of the upside of free market, transnational economic policy. Although hit hard recently by the slight meltdown in the proceedings, life is still better now than it was when people didn’t have homes they couldn’t afford and a banking system teetering on the verge of collapse. I mean before everyone was living in peat huts and riding around on donkeys to the nearest pub.

But on a recent trip to the emerald isle, I was struck by how resistant the country remains to some of the glorious excesses of the American way of life. Try as I might, it was impossible to tap into any hype for the new Star Trek movie. I mean, come on! This is an event for the ages, Irish people. Where were the ubiquitous ads on the sides of buses? You ride around in double decker ones with, obviously, double the space and yet I didn’t see one with anything Star Trek related on the side of it. No neon signs, no billboards lining the countryside telling us when and where to see the movie. It was almost like they didn’t care about the early life of Spock. Frankly, any society that remains ignorant of that is not a society I want to be part of.

The TV brought no relief to the Star Trek promo blitz drought. In all the time I spent flipping through the channels while I was there (the place is cold and wet much of the time so what else is a tourist to do?), I didn’t come across a single commercial for the movie. No ads, no special Star Trek segments on their all-news channels. Ireland doesn’t have CNN but something called CNN International where they talk about stuff happening in Europe and Asia and even Africa. Full half hours on Africa and nothing about Star Trek! I never once caught a glimpse of Wolf Blitzer in The Situation Room while over there. How can anyone know about anything that’s going on in the world without watching Wolf Blitzer for 3 hours a day?

No Wolf Blitzer, no Horatio Cane. It didn’t matter when I turned on the TV (and the TV was on at all different times because I had trouble adjusting to the time change. Why doesn’t everyone use American Standard Time? It would be so much easier for us.), I wasn’t able to watch even one episode of CSI: Miami. In some parts in the north of Ireland, people still use the Gaelic language. One of my hopes when I went there was to see CSI translated into Gaelic. How cool would that be? Apparently Gaelic speaking Ireland isn’t as big a fan of CSI as I am which is weird when you think about it because David Caruso couldn’t look more Irish if he tried. You’d think he’d be a national icon over there.

This is not to say that the trip was a complete disappointment. You can’t expect other places to be exactly the same as home. What would be the point of traveling if they were? Still, I think other countries could try a little harder to make it easier for those of us who are willing to forgo the creature comforts of home and endure the rigours of vacationing. As a former president of the United States was fond of saying, you’re either with us or you’re against us. Maybe a little more CSI, Wolf Blitzer and slavish attention to the Star Trek franchise would go a long way to easing the tensions that can lead to resentment, misunderstanding and geopolitical strife.