LEARNING NOVEMBER 2007

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LEARNING NOVEMBER 2007 - Archive

What I Learned Yesterday - Wednesday November 28th 2007

Each day Matthew Toffolo writes about What He Learned Yesterday!

Does everything happen for a reason?

This question is the ongoing debate of our world. The more you think about it the more questions and thoughts it leads to. Spirituality, higher power, we all control our own destiny etc.... It's a can of worms question that shouldn't be thought about too much because it will drive you crazy.

I don't know the answer to that question right now but I do know that it's good practice to believe that everything does happen for a reason. It just puts my own present life into a good perspective knowing where I am is where I'm suppose to be right now in my life.

It also stops you from feeling the regrets of your past which I know haunts me a little bit and I know I'm not alone on this. But those past regrets have made me who I am now — which leads to the question of is this where I am suppose to be now?, OR should I be somewhere else if I just made the proper choices in my past?

I've been thinking about the Yellow Brick Road so to speak that has lead me to where I am now. The wind tells me a lot when I enter the outside world everyday and the feeling I'm getting is that a lot is going to change in my life. The wind has always been my best friend as it works as my future crystal ball and it never seems to be wrong. (yes, I am a bit crazy!)

So when I'm in that stage of sleeping at night where I am almost asleep but still awake so my thoughts are conscious but are slowing moving into my sub-conscious - many moments of my past are jumping into my dreams. It's like my life is flashing before my very eyes. I see myself in situations that make me cringe because I'm really stupid and I know so much now. And it really pisses me off.

I think we all have moments of our past that haunt us a bit and the trick to a magical life is to deal with those haunting moments and kill them. I don't want to bury those haunting moments into my sub-conscious because that just leads to an early life as that's how you get one of those diseases that kills you. I want to tackle them head on and understand why I am who I am now.

I see a very bright future for myself. So bright that I'm pretty confident that I will accomplish everything that I want in my life. And I have pretty lofty goals. But I want to make sure I'm always very present in my current life. I know that feeling of being lost in my own present day to day life. That feeling where you're living in neutral and you go to sleep and then wake up a full year later and nothing has really happened in your life of any significance. I refuse to ever let that happen to me.

The trick is to make sure you deal with all of your issues so you can keep growing and learning everyday in your lie. But what happens is a backlog of issues that you have to deal with.

I get many emails a day. Too many actually. If I don't take care of them in the moment I receive them, a huge backlog happens and it takes a full day to catch up if I don't watch out. That's what I'm feeling right now with my issues. I am going back and taking care of it so I know this is where I'm suppose to be right now. And I have a clean slate everyday so when I wake up I only have to see what's ahead of me and never turn around.

That is what I learned yesterday.

What I Learned Yesterday - Tuesday November 28th

"Competition is my best friend and worst enemy"

I was basically raised playing sports and everyday of my childhood there was a game or two I played, either in an organized league or with a bunch of friends, that consisted of a win or lose scenario. And these games I played all the time always were do or die situations for me. If I won I was the happiest man in the world and if I lost I thought the world was going to die for me.

Not understanding this until I actually hit my early teens, but the two friends who grew up on the same street as me and who I played a lot of games with were probably the best athletes in their age group in the city I grew up in. They were both natural at everything they did and they used to beat my ass all the time. This caused quite a let down in my personal confidence until I understood that no one else could beat them and I was getting better by just playing against them everyday. That lesson made me realize that in order to be better at anything in the world you have to hang out with and play with the people who are better than you and let them kick your ass until you see the error of your ways.

My two friends had the gifts and skills and because of their influence I was forced to have the will and determination to compensate. At the end of our so called athletic career in the last year of high school I was voted the Most Valuable Player on the football team while one of my friends athletic career was lost by hanging around a bad crowd while the other friend's was lost by ongoing back problems. I survived while they got lost in the shuffle. Receiving my MVP award was a great life lesson for me as usually the ones who just survive the process will be the ones who obtain the ultimate victory.

In the Artistic and Entertainment world this is also very true. People quit or fall by the wayside because they can't handle the constant failures and rejections in the first 5-10 years. The ones who just survive the ride are always the ones who succeed.

Rodney Dangerfield, the legendary comedian, struggled for over 20 years until he actually made it in this 40's. He knew that if he just held on to the constant grind all of his dreams and goals would come true. Many a comic quit on his rise who were much more talented than him but just didn't have the determination to actually finish the ride.

Michael Jordan is perhaps the best athlete I've ever seen in my lifetime. Everyday he would face this awkward looking kid from Arkansas in practice and whoop his butt. He would do everything he could to make him look like a fool until he either quit or decided to do something about not getting his ass kicked. That player was Scottie Pippen who became one of the greatest basketball players ever and helped Jordan win his 6 titles. Playing against Jordan everyday in practice made Pippen the player he became and it helped Michael too because he never would of won any of those titles without him.

But there is a downside to this that I've learned. Sometimes this frame of mind can work against me. I'm always working and learning from many people everyday and it's usually a very positive and informative experience. But for some reason certain people just get to me because they perhaps push me a little too far. I like them for being them but I see their competitiveness bringing out the worst in me.

Anytime I begin something: a conversation, an activity or a project from an insecure or negative standpoint, the only good that can happen is the after effects of learning not to be a jackass again. The trick of competition is to balance your mental frame of mind into understanding that this is the most important thing in your world at the moment while also understanding that it really doesn't mean a whole lot. AKA - Not to take things too personally.

We are all insecure and we all have our issues to deal with and when you add those issues into your work and into your valuable relationships with people, nothing good will ever come out of it. Sometimes certain people get to me because they have something in their personality or skill that I either really admire or I really despise. Usually it's a bit of both and the more I despise someone, the more I admire them!

The trick for life to evolve is competition. It just makes people think more profoundly and work into better people. But the trick is to also not take it too personally and understand when your insecurities lead you and control your actions and thoughts.

I learned that I'm the biggest idiot in the world when I do something from that insecure emotion and I'm now understanding how to handle it.

That is what I learned yesterday.

What I Learned Yesterday - Monday November 27th

I learned yesterday that the key to life is to make sure you have an equal amount of mentors and proteges in your life. And that you can learn more by teaching someone something than actually being taught yourself because when you are explaining something to someone I find my mind works a whole lot better and I start saying things that I didn't even know myself. And the amazing thing about that is that I know what I'm saying is right and true eventhough I didn't even know that I knew what I was saying.

I'm also finding that people who are 10 years younger than me know a hell of a lot more than I knew when I was there age. Perhaps people are getting too smart for their own good because the smarter you are, the more empathy and understanding you have for others and the more you can manipulate them into getting your way.

This is a bad practice to have but I see people doing this who are in their early 20's. When you're that age you're just not emotionally intelligent because you generally haven't lived long enough to experience enough of life. And you really only think of yourself and forget that we're all here to make the world a better place. So people are getting smarter but their emotional smarts aren't catching up and therefore there is a mis-balance in young people's soul.

I see it in people's creative work too who are in that age group. There's so much talent but it lacks that entertainment and thematic value. It seems the best things that can happen to people these days is good old fashion pain and suffering. It puts hair on your chest and you learn more about life.

It worked for me. But I sure am learning a lot of people younger than me these days. It's refreshing.

What I Learned Yesterday - Weekend November 25th

TOP 10 Most Important Things I Learned This Week

10. Life is all about keeping your disciplines in check. If I begin to stray from the little things that I keep constant tabs on, then my whole life gets out of order.

The little routines in life are like the borders you build first when doing a puzzle. It's just a whole lot easier to do your job and if I begin the puzzle without setting up the border, things just take too long.

9. I've always wanted to be a vegetarian but I am addicted to meat. I can't let go of it. I've seen how they kill cows and pigs but I still want to eat it. It just tastes so good.

I went 4 straight months one time just eating straight raw food but I came back to meat and cooked food because I needed it. I quit alcohol, drugs and cigarettes - but I'll never quit meat.

8. Most important book written in the last 10 years - Fast Food Nation. There's no left or right propaganda. He just writes the facts and we see the poetry and madness of the world we live.

7. My girlfriends parents and my parents met for the first time this week and it's funny how we're from such similar upbringings.

Most of the girlfriends of my past I've picked were from completely different worlds from myself. Maybe that's why they never worked out and this one looks to be working out now and probably forever. There's just a deep familiarity of the all important upbringing and there isn't any communication breakdowns because we understand what we both went through growing up.

6. I think our film festival is headed for greatness.

5. According to a marking study 80% of people in the net surfing world would never read anything substantial and only have an attention span of 10 seconds. This amazes me and I learned this when talking to an internet marketing person who liked a lot of things on our site except for the columns - especially this one. Too many long paragraphs.

I just don't agree and I like to think that people's attention spans will increase the longer this internet invention is around.

4. Music and sound design is probably 50% of a film and the only time people know it's there is when it stinks or if the music is epic like Star Wars or Rocky.

3. I've been thinking a lot about my time in grade 9 all week and I don't know why. I remember almost everything about that year because I failed in almost everything I did. I'm still wondering how I'm still alive after that year.

I never want to go back and do something again as I have no regrets. Except for grade 9 as that year set me back a long time.

2. I've been rewarding myself this week by sleeping in an extra hour everyday. That feeling of being bad and sleeping in too long is one of the greatest feelings a human being can have.

1. How lucky are we living in this part of the world. I mean we're pretty lucky as everyone is set up to be happy and if you keep yourself in check and not stray to the dark side of things, then there really isn't any major problems in the world.

What I Learned Yesterday - November 21st 2007

What did came first, the chicken or the egg?

Why do I get depressed over things? Because that is my genetic makeup or because that is my own life experience makeup!

For some reason I always get really depressed on the American Thanksgiving. I don't celebrate this holiday as I am Canadian but I am reminded of it mainly because football games are played on this day and I always enjoy a day of football.

This has been a down day for me ever since I was a child.

Maybe because I know starting Friday the Christmas madness begins and that silly holiday has always been a crock in my eyes ever since I knew Santa Claus didn't exist.

Maybe because it evokes a deep lonliness trigger in my psyche. I am a border kid as I grew up in Niagara Falls and the US culture is so engrained in my identity-crisis home country. I think I always wanted to be a part of the US thanksgiving, not because I actually cared about the significance of celebrating the Europeans stealing the Native Americans land. But because the Canadian thanksgiving doesn't have football games played and there's nothing else do to after I eat an overblown meal.

Maybe because when I was living in New York when I went to school I was left alone as everyone else in world it seemed went back home for the holiday. I remember eating one of those diner thanksgiving meals by myself one holiday and feeling the lonelinest I've ever felt in my life.

Maybe because in a past life something very drammatic happened to me on this day. Or maybe I'm so influenced my the Native culture as my first girlfriend was Native American and they were still a bit angry about this bullshit holiday.

Maybe I was a Turkey in my past life too!

All I know is that I'm depressed today and I don't know why.

What I Learned Yesterday - November 20th 2007

All about the MOTHER

My girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I want to give her a great birthday present. I was thinking and thinking and the only thing I know that she really wants is something that I'm going to have a hard time doing.

Without getting into specifics and embarrassing anyone, I must figure out my own relationship with my mother to give her the gift.

Before I begin a column that can get me into a whole bunch of trouble, I will disclose that I like my girlfriend's Mom and even my own Mother. They are Baby Boomers who were a part of the American dream in many ways as money and security is something they never really have to worry about. And because my girlfriend and I were raised in this environment and sort of rejected it, there is a conflict between the Moms because our fundamental core values are completely different. We don't understand them and they don't understand us.

I've had conflicts with my Mom and I'm realizing that almost every single person who works in the arts and entertainment business have Mom issues. Some Moms I've met I think are pure evil as others just have a complete language problem with their kids because they just live in a different world. But it seems that in order to be a creative person you must have a Mom issue!

Last night before the event a bunch of the WILDsound team was talking about Mother horror stories and really my girlfriend and I are pretty lucky as it can be a whole lot worse.

I do admit that I am at my worst when I am with my parents. Usually my day consists of observing and I really don't like talking much during my day. But when I'm with them for some reason I can't shut up and I am uncomfortable because I'm out of my usual environment. It seems that I want to show them something about who I am without me just being me. It's like I'm one of those bad interviewers when applying for a job who tries too hard and therefore keeps putting his foot in his mouth.

So my Mom issue is more my issue with myself with her than my issue with her herself. She's not going to change and I'm not, so why would I think otherwise?

The trick to shock your parents I just figured out is to be exactly who you are and let them see you as if they aren't around. When Parents enter your world we immediately put up a guard and our entire personality changes. My girlfriend is a genius who has an IQ of over 160. She picks up on everything and consumes information like it's popcorn John Madden is eating at the movie theatre. But for some reason when her parents enter her universe her IQ drops about 50 points and she becomes average again. So her parents don't see her for who she really is.

The trick is to psyche her up to be herself! That will shock her mother into a deep 10 second emotional reaction of Fear and Holy Shit! We humans can block any emotion for our entire lives. We can store our fears, insecurities and troubles into a box in our body. But there are two certainities in life: #1 - the initial fear a person has is exposed on their face for at least 15 seconds before they begin the blocking process. and #2 - you can store those emotions in a box but that box is going to have to be dealt with eventually and if you don't want to do it yourself, then one of those diseases like Cancer, Heart problems, strokes etc.. will do it for you.

Now here are my TOP 3 Mom horror stories from Mothers I've met in my day:

1) A Mom read her daughter's Diary and exposed the time she lost her virginity. She then told everyone about it, including her son who has continued to bother his sister then, now and until the day she dies. In fact the boy who the girl lost her virginity to received an email last week from the brother calling him his nickname (the anniversary of the day) 13 years after the event. The evil Mom opened a can of worms that will effect her daughter's emotional well being for her entire life.

2) A Mom used her son's child as a blackmail weapon so she could teach him a lesson of how he should act in her God-fearing Catholic ways. She told her son 'Either be how I want you to be or I'll tell the mother of my grandson your deepest and darkest secrets so she'll run away and you'll rarely see you kid again'! And he really didn't do anything wrong in most people's eyes but the Mother thought otherwise and thought the world would too!

3) To get her way with her husband a Mom I knew would run away and take her young kids with her to one of those holding shelters, call her husband and demand that she'll leave forever and expose him of child abuse until she gets what she wants. This woman was pure evil as her husband could be one of the nicest people I've met, was a terrific father and would never hurt his kids in any way. She used a good element in the system where actual abused wives could go to get away to her advantage so she could get want she wanted. A threat of abuse of a Dad from a mother in our world causes a lot of trouble for that Dad which is a great thing and someone using a great thing to there evil benefits in my opinion is as horrible as murdering something.

So on the sliding scale of life my mother is a Saint and I should be very lucky!

Have any Mom Horror stories? Let me know:

What I Learned Yesterday Monday November 19th

First off, Bill Belichick rant again. This guy is so brilliant the only person who can actually beat the New England Patriots now is him! He's the Michael Jordan of our era. The only person who has able to guard Jordan in his time was Jordan himself.

Doesn't matter if you aren't a sports fan at all. We are seeing history and everyone should be aware of it. A team is basically succeeding in a major business like nothing ever seen before since Microsoft monopolized the computer industry. It's a thing of beauty is some eyes and a sad state of affairs in others.

Assuming is just a dumb-ass thing

They say in order to have a successful life you must make sure you always have a good acountant and a lawyer on your side. You don't need them most of the time but when it counts you better have them in your back pocket to take care of business.

It seems now that we can add a computer technician to that equation because most people now have their entire life on their computer. And if your computer breaks down you need someone to fix it right away and make sure all of your stuff is saved.

Thank god I have my technician as Penny has saved me many times without much of an investment. But I almost screwed up this valuable relationship because of my assumptions and life ignorances.

My girlfriend suggested this computer place in our area to go to and she really liked the owner and technician of the place. So I was having a glitch in my computer and went over to check the place out.....

I walked in and saw a man and a woman. I of course approached the man as I assumed that was the technician my girlfriend was talking about. So I began talking to him about my computer as he noded and said he could do something about it. But I didn't feel confident about him and thought he didn't know what he was talking about.

The lady stayed in the background for a bit then approached me. She told me exactly what my problem was and said she would take care of it.

She was the ace computer technician. Why did I assume it was a man? Because my inner ideals of life just thought there was no other way.

I was glad that I was able to switch my initial mindset right away and form my relationship with her but I was so close to screwing up a very valuable relationship in my life.

I still have a long way to go but this lady has taught much more than computers.

What I Learned Yesterday Saturday/Sunday November 18/19th

TOP 10 MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I've gone back to my favorite routine. I am now waking up at 5AM instead of my old time of 7:30AM. I needed this bad and I need to stick to this because I am at my best with this routine.

From 5AM to 7AM is the best time of the day. The sun goes up and the world is completely new as anything can happen. There's a purity to this time of the day as no one is up (or at least very few) and it's like the world is back at its original roots. My mind works at its best during this time as I get tons of ideas.

Then people starting milling about after 7AM and the day begins for people. Then the energy changes and how people are feeling effect that energy. Monday's are the most interesting day because many people just don't want to go to work.

2. I have about 5 great ideas a day (or at least I think they are great). The problem I've always had is to make sure those ideas don't fall by the wayside when distractions hit my day. And that's the trick to my life I've learned. The less I'm distracted with my own mind by the world, the better person I am.

3. I've been called by some the most selfish person they ever met and I've been called by others the most selfless person they ever met. I'm sure I'm in between but this is just another example of how I get observed in extremes and how I am probably the most normal person in the world today.

4. Being humbled is a very good thing as it teaches you a lot. My team the Buffalo Bills were whipped by the New England Patriots last night 56-10. My team was on a hot streak but it's pretty obvious New England plays an entirely different game.

I have a great love/hate relationship with New England. On one hand they play in the same division as my team and have been kicking their ass for a long time and it's hard to watch. On the other hand they are what I aspire to be.

When I was getting together with my current girlfriend 2 years ago I wanted her to watch the Patriots play and get to know there team, especially the coach and the QB. I wanted to show her what I wanted from my company and myself. They are what excellence is all about and I don't think I've learned more in the last 5 years from anything more than studying how the New England Patriots run their team.

Bill Belechick is the smartest man in the world and Tom Brady is on top of his profession more than anyone else. And it all starts with the owner of the team who is a master of understanding who to hire and who to fire when need be.

I push everyday to get Wildcard to the level of the Patriots and I will die trying. Yesterday's blowout of my team was a sign for me just how far I need to go.

5. Dane Cook has 2.1 million MYSPACE friends. Two years ago he created his account and started clicking away asking for friends. He continued to master the art of his craft while going on his account everyday asking for more friends. Next thing you know he hits his tipping point and everyone know who is he. Now he's doing his gigs on the comedy circuit while also acting in many 1st tier films now and in the future. There's a lot to learn with a guy like this. An artist who waits for their agent to call is an artist who won't be going anywhere.

6. The difference between a non-union actor and a union actor now is not much. Yes, union actors man for man are still a bit better but it's not as much of a difference as it was when I started this madness of a career 5 years ago.

With this in mind, I have a feeling that the studios will take the WGA strike as far as it wants and won't give into their demands.

The other businesses in the world have squashed the unions and now its time for the entertainment industry to do the same. I have no position on this and if asked now I am probably on the writers side (but I change my mind every 5 minutes), but I'm just seeing what I see and the patterns of the past show me that the studios will not give in and take their losses now to set up the more free, supply and demand lifestyle that capitalism is all about in the future. And it all starts when people start crossing the picket lines. Step #1 is the Latenight shows!

7. This week's WILDsound festival events should be an interesting one for me. No other event in my history have I worked harder to set up as I've had one setback after another. I hope the hard work pays off!

8. Been thinking about when this society will finally fall. Every society does eventually and I'm just wondering when the timeline is for this one. History shows that when people start worrying about the present and sacrificing the future for now, that's when things fall a part.

The world will still be around for a while but this society we currently live in should fall by the end of the century. Watching the Democratic debate the other day and they spent 20 minutes, 1/6th of the two hour debate talking about Abortion. Is this abortion debate really that important? Aren't there other things to worry and talk about? The woman has the right to do anything she wants with her body, it's that simple. Can we move on!

9. The main reason I won't have kids in my current lifetime is that I think there are too many problems to solve in this current world right now and having to feed another body in this world is a set back, not an improvement. And I don't want to bring a new person in this world who I'm obviously going to love and know that they will probably have many hard times when they hit their midlife.

10. I believe the world is a magical place and that 99% of what humans do is beautiful and great. I am just seeing where the future is headed and failure is the great learning experience of who we are and shouldn't be feared. I am ready to die today and have no problems with it. I suffer, I learn. I might hate it during the moment, but I know it's something I can really benefit from. But of course I live my life everyday to figure out how to be at my most comfortable so I will never suffer.

What I Learned Yesterday Friday November 17th

It's been an interesting couple of days. Something happened at the Vancouver airport that was a bit disturbing. Most people probably know by now that a Polish man was killed by the dumb Airport Police when they zapped him to death because they were trying to calm him down. He was confused and scared being in a new country where he didn't undertand anything and was having a hissy fit. So the Police, the dumb Canadian fuckers they are, zapped him to death.

I know a lot of Polish people as my editor and DOP on most of my films were 100% Polish. They are an interesting culture and a beaten down one too as being a country in between Germany in Russia can do that to someone. If my home country of Canada was bordered between these two forces, we probably would be beaten down too!

The Polish population is outraged by this. All I can say it's there time to do something about it and take action. I'm not saying they should go to war against Canada (eventhough that would be a sight to see!), but they should demand justice be served.

One of the problems with us Humans is that we tend to forget about things very fast. A big story like this lasts for a few days on talk radio, CNN and the newspapers, then goes away without a trace that it really happened when a fresher big news story appears.

We are like my all-time SNL skit from the 80's when Tom Hanks hosted all the time. He played 'Mr. Short Term Memory', the guy who forgets everything after a few minutes. If you haven't seen it, it's pretty funny and so true to who we are now.

Smart people understand this and they take advantage of it. Unfortunately or fortunately the smartest people tend to be the most powerful people too in our world. Yes Bush wouldn't be considered the smartest guy, but his people sure are. And CEO's from corporations who are only thinking the bottom line are very sharp people if you ever met one of them. They know that people will forget things after a bit and that we are now a society of thumb twiddlers.

This new century still has not found it's Ali, King or Kennedy. There's a reason for that. We seem to be a very image conscious world where people are so worried about how any action they take will hurt there popularity rating. Look at the US President Election right now. A year away and they all are so worried about every word they say and how they each can make a point to reach the most percentage of people. You can tell they are all holding back to what they are really feeling because there ego won't be able to handle it if there approval rating falls.

History proves in order to be loved by all, you must be hated first. You must say things that are so polarizing to people that they begin to feel that there world is going to tear up. They need to bring the fear into everyone's soul and make them really think. If you make people really think they are going to hate you at first, then upon further reflection, begin to love you.

And the amazing thing is that people forget the bad all the time and only remember the good. We are all going to die and at all of our funeral's people will talk about how great we were no matter if we were actually fuckin assholes! So we might as well say what we really feel because we probably all have something really cool and interesting to say and are holding back.

Remember grade school. I'm sure we all can relate to that time when the teacher asked us a question and we had a clever answer but we didn't raise our hand in fear of being wrong. That's the analogy of our current world. A lot of us seem to not want to raise our hand.

The trick is to not give a fuck about what people think. When people respond to this current entry of course I'm looking for some good reactions but in reality I really don't care. If people hate me I guess they hate me. A lot of people hate me so you'd just be another person on the list.

So it's my turn to take more action and fight for what I believe in. I am a storyteller and businessman who believes in producing the best stories to the world as I believe that's what triggers the greatest emotions from people. And the more emotions triggered, the more things change. So now it's time to fight harder and push harder and say what I feel.

Say what I really feel about things. I've been holding back and now it's time for that to stop.

What I Learned Yesterday Thursday November 16th

There is a need, especially right now in the world we live in, to be a bit provocative.

Today I'll be brief as I'm still thinking over things during my day how exactly I'm feeling about the thing I'm thinking about! But all I can say today is that I know one thing about people and life:

Anyone who complains about how things are or complains about the government, corporations etc... of course has an easy argument these days. BUT...

...I don't want to hear anything out loud from anyone I know and hear them bitch and complain about something if they don't take any action and try to do something about what they are angry or frustrated about.

I'm realizing more and more everyday that this world is in a bit of trouble these days because nothing is being done by people. We seem to be trapped in a puddle of laziness, distracted by everything around us looking for others to step forward so they can stay where they are.

And the worst people are the ones who complain the most, because the more people complain the less they are actually taking action on something.

I was in a courtroom for an hour yesterday and I saw the madness firsthand. Are government workers the laziest people in the world or am I just being an asshole?

What I Learned Yesterday Wednesday November 15th

You can learn a lot getting a haircut

So as I sat in my salon chair getting my overpriced haircut yesterday, I was forced to look at myself for almost 30 minutes directly into the mirror. My stylist isn't the type who can multi-task so I couldn't take to her while she cut my hair. So I was left to studying myself for a half-hour.

I liked what I saw, I do have to admit that right from the start. But I do know that I'm a part of this current man-made creation of 'what beauty is or what attractiveness is'. I know it's all bullshit and we're all brainwashed to be attractive to certain people because our marketing mad society has used sex to sell their products since capitalism came to prominance.

I was an ugly kid growing up and then I realized that doors do open for people who set themselves up to be attractive (or what people think is attractive in this world). I am born with some gifts that fit well into our society. I am tall and my cheek bones blend nicely to form a nice smile. And I used my gifts to my advantage to set myself up for who I am now.

I consider myself the most beautiful man on the planet. And I don't mean the bullshit vanity that we've created currently. I look at myself now and I love who I am as I know I've come a long way. I am a man full of potential to be the best person I can and I love myself for that. My outside looks have nothing to do of who I am and if anyone looks at me from just that perspective, then I know they are a selfish person.

There's really only one person on the planet right now who's opinion I really care about. The rest I just don't care. But this took a long, long time to get to.

Now when a woman hits on me and/or just looks at me from a vanity perspective, I am disgusted with them as I know they are completely brainwashed by our current world.

I was brainwashed for a long, long time. From puberty to my early 20's, sex was my #1 priorty. That can fuck a person up. There's a famous Seinfeld episode where George can't have sex so he sets his brain on different thoughts. Then George becomes a genius because sex just isn't on the brain anymore.

I got 'lucky' in my days, but in hindsight I was very unlucky. One thing I learned is that when two people get together to perform a selfish activity - nothing ever good becomes of it! All of those sexual activities I performed in my past have all lead to a lot of pain, sorrow and future conflicts. I am of clean health but my emotional health was really harmed. I hurt a lot of people with my activities and I hurt myself a whole lot.

But I was caught in the sex and vanity obsession our world is currently in. I see beauty for what it is now and beauty has nothing to do with what you look on the outside.

So I was getting my haircut knowing I was selling out a bit. I looked good from the majority of the world's perspective and I know I can use this to my advantage. But I also know that it doesn't mean shit at all.

I fit into this current world because of the genes I was given and the hard work I've done. But it's all bullshit and I have a feeling that vanity could be the most destructive force on the planet right now. We humans are just not evolved enough to actually see people for who they are. There is makeup, hair styles, clothes, cosmetic surgery etc.. that are shields people use to block who they really are. And this madness won't stop for a long, long time.

Insecurity is a disease that effects our entire world. And many people are very insecure about their current appearance and are looking for someone to perk them up to feel better about themselves. It's that simple.

The only cure is to not give a fuck about what people think and therefore you won't give a fuck about what they look like so you can see people for who they really are.

That haircut taught me a lot.

What I Learned Yesterday Tuesday November 14th

Ever have to do something you hate doing? That's what's happening to me this week - and it's driving me crazy. I am forced to do something that is usually delegated by me and I now understand why it was delegated in the first place.

It's taking away so much of my energy as I am very cranky and jerky to the people in my life. I'm a tad upset too about how this is effecting me.

I am learning to be at my best in times of struggle as this is a trait I have to concur.

I am a man of routine. I get in a hard working comfort zone as I do things I enjoy doing. When that routine gets mixed up, I get mixed up. I have a hard time adjusting to things, especially if I hate doing that something I am forced to adjust to.

I thought today how much I just don't know and how many thing I have to learn. Learning is about time management and choices. I know that if I go down a certain path, it will lead to different opportunities for me to learn. But it has to be the right path as if I go down the wrong one, I learn the things I really don't need to learn.

It all comes down to not doing stupid things! The less stupid things I do, the more it leads me to do the things I want.

I am also in baseball withdrawal too. I already miss the game and can't wait for April when it comes back again.

What I Learned Yesterday Monday November 13th

I felt so overwhelmed yesterday. Like the world has caving in on me. I was juggling too many things and I felt that I couldn't breath. It was a scary feeling.

I am brief again today because I'm still figuring out a lot of stuff inside of my head. I am learning how much I take advantage of certain things. That has to stop.

The world is a very funny place. I'm enjoying my first 30 years and am looking forward to the next 70-80 years.

What I Learned Yesterday Sunday November 12th

Sunday's are my favorite day. I want Sunday's to last forever. I get to watch football and do my thing - write, explore, create. It only life could always be Sunday.

Then I thought to myself - WHY NOT! If somone loves Christmas, why can't it be Christmas for them everyday?

I guess it can't always be Sunday's because then it wouldn't my favorite day.

I learned yesterday that certain moments are great because other moments aren't so great.

What I Learned Yesterday Friday/Saturday November 10/11th

TOP 10 MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK

10. Full Disclosure: I vote liberal and I land just a tug to the left on the political circle. I got to thinking if I am closer to George Bush or Michael Moore, both men I kind of despise from a far but admire at the same time.

Bush is a hardcore baseball fan and recovering addict. Both things I am too. Anyone who's a baseball fan is a friend of mine and if we spent a day together we'd have a great time talking away about the greatest game there is.

Moore is a very talented filmmaker. The things he does he makes look easy and I know if I spent a day with him I could learn a lot and take away a lot of knowledge.

But both men seem to lack a lot of integrity. Who lacks more though? I have to go with Michael Moore as he's a bigger phony balony, hypocrite than anyone working in the entertainment industry today. Bush I have to assume just doesn't know better.

Moore preaches socialism but lives in a multi-million dollar high rise in New York City overlooking Central park and has NEVER had an exclusive sit down interview with anyone to talk to him about his complete half truths in his movies. And he preaches Ralph Nadar but Nadar hates his guts. Moore suffers from fat man's disease. He's a loser who sticks to issues where he'll know he's going to lose and in this society that makes him a winner in the eyes of losers. A true leader understands that a victory within a compromise is one million times more effective that constantly losing at something with no fighting change. Moore wants to lose because losing is a safe place and he wouldn't know what to do if he ever won at something important.

I think Moore does 100 times more hurt in our society than Bush does. He if he just left things alone Al Gore would be ending his presidency and the world would be a completely different place. Why tell his loser followers to vote for Nadar when he knows that those votes are being taken away from the Liberals and helping the Conservatives? Duh!

Bush is just a follower, following his party. I don't agree with almost anything he does, but at least he has a bit more personal integrity.

9. I talk out of my ass at times but it's very seldom and I'm stil wondering if that's a good thing or not.

8. Lions to Lambs is a very important movie for people who are 30 or under to watch.

7. Playing a lot of basketball this week. I am resorting to personal challenges to make myself a better player. Like I have to shoot 20 straight basketballs before I go or I can't leave the court. I spent almost an hour extra one day before I did it. These personal challenges are things I've always done to make myself better at things.

6. This is a fucked up world and the term 'beautiful' is thrown around loosely. What is beautiful? Not those advertising models that is fucking up young boys to think is beautiful. Beauty is shined from within like a beautiful sunset and the individual shines that outward to make beauty! What men think is attractive still boogles my mind.

5. What happens in the WGA strike is going to effect the entire industry and how the other unions will decide things when their contract is up. Both sides seem to be very far away and I think this thing is going to last a long time.

4. Still dealing with conflicts and delaying facing them right away. I tend to wait until the longest possible time to get to them. I need to change this.

3. There's a lot of things on TV and Film where the Mother is getting a really bad wrap. The Mom seems to be the evil person in everything I see these days. It's about time!

2. I need to laugh hard every single day. It frees me.

1. I need to cry hard at least once a week. It frees me.

What I Learned Yesterday - Thursday November 9 2007

People change - TRUST ME!

There's an old saying that people don't change. I hear this a lot from people and I've been hearing it a lot in the last few days. So it got me thinking that's pretty much a bullshit statement.

People change drastically and I am one of those people who have. A lot of people won't change for the simple reason that they don't want to change. In rehab for drugs and/or alcohol most people succumb again to their addiction after they come out because they never wanted to change in the first place.

I think that we all have our own morals and desires for how we're suppose to live life and believe it or not a lot of people in this world have chosen to live their lives being drugs, cheats, thieves, murderers etc.. That's what makes them the most happy in their perspective of how to live.

I wasn't a very good person a while back. In my late teens, early 20's I was a cheater and a druggie who had a very negative outlook on life. My negativity effected a lot of people in my life in the wrong ways and I regret what I did. But my frame of mind back then was that I just didn't like the world very much and couldn't see anything positive about it.

But I changed and I completely overhauled my center. It was like I took out the mechanism of who I was inside of my body and replaced it with who I am now. Any picture taken of me pre-24 doesn't even look like me now. I changed and therefore my outer features changed too.

No one changed me, but I changed myself. That's the funny thing I see with all of these people in the world who try to change people. They have good intentions but this practice just doesn't work because we as humans are too independent to be entirely influenced by someone. We all can obviously be influenced in little fragments, but not an entire overhaul. And there's people who can brainwash people but that's not changing someone as just centering their loneliness into a practical area.

How I changed was that my observations of life changed. I started to see more positive things in the world and therefore knew that what I was doing just needed a close personal analysis. One of the motivators was in the summer of 2001 when I had no money, no real friends and no prospects. I was going to die in a matter of 10-14 days and I had to decide whether I wanted to die (which I did for a number of years - perhaps my first real memory) or keep on living.

I decided to keep living and that one cross-roads choice completely changed my observations of life. Why I decided to live is something I still can't even answer. It was like the world decided it for me as I started taking actions that I had no control over. What I mean is that some other force was controlling me to keep on living.

So as I kept on roaming on this planet I started to see the subtle beauties of our world and how it was just magical. It was then I decided to change my ways of life and start over again.

The next 15 months were a complete blur. I was reborn and my entire mindset needed to learn a whole new system of living. It was the best time of my life because everything was so natural. One of the most important things I learned during this time was that I just couldn't care too much about things I can't control. And if I wanted to care about something, then I needed to take control on the matter.

How I live now is that I do what I care about and life seems to reward me for it. Pain, fears and angst are some of the greatest gifts we are given because these are the moments where I can feel the most and learn the most.

I learned yesterday that people do change but no one person or people is going to change someone. If someone wants to change, then they have to change them self.

What I Learned Yesterday - Wednesday November 8 2007

Learning just leads to more questions

Yes it's that riddle in life that the more you know the less you know because another can of worms opens up for exploration.

I've been thinking a lot about INTEGRATION and assessing the good and bad of it. I just finished reading this great biography on Jim Brown, perhaps the greatest NFL football player ever who then turned into a black activist and movie star. He's a fascinating figure in the 20th century who was filled with many contradictions.

Being at his athletic prime in the 60's Brown was good friends with Mohammad Ali and Martin Luther King Jr.. He had many arguments with King about Integration and thought he pulled Blacks in the wrong direction. Instead of integrating with the white man, he said, Why aren't we creating our own society like the Italians and the Jews?

Jim Brown was onto something because if you take sports for example, imagine if the Black population decided against the great Jackie Robinson integrating into Major league baseball which began the start of all the sports leagues doing this. The Negro baseball league was doing great business at the time and was soon destroyed because all the best players went into the white mans game.

Imagine if the blacks didn't integrate into any sports league and did things themselves! The NFL wouldn't be the multi-BILLION dollar business it is now putting more money into the already rich white owners pockets. An all white NBA, NFL or MLB would be a pretty boring watch as an all black NBA, NFL or MLB would be just as exciting as it is now!

Jim Brown was a radical and I can relate to him. He told the conventions to go fuck themselves. He's the first black athlete to be the leader of a professional sports league and the first black actor to kiss a white woman romantically in film when he made out with Raquel Welch in 1969's 100 Rifles shocking and angrying many people.

In fact the FBI followed Brown 24/7 for 8 straight years, tapping his phone, going through his garbage etc... They even tried their hardest to harm his image. Many times Brown would apply for a grant to help build a youth center in the projects or to help Blacks to into college and an FBI person would call the organization he was seeking money from and tarnish his name so he wouldn't get the grant.

It seems the tax payers money goes to great causes!!! Imagine what they are doing now!

I was born in Niagara Falls, a city with a population of 25% full blooded Italians. I don't count into that stat as I am only one half. The Italians pretty much own the richest property in the property rich tourist town and therefore control most of the city.

Italians stick together and take care of their own. They hire each other and make sure that everyone is taken care of. Their #1 priority is family and they go out of their way to make sure they are safe and secure. Most of my friends growing up were Italian and I was a part of their community. It was a comfortable upbringing in many ways, too comfortable in hindsight because it was hard for me to leave that 24/7 vacation atmosphere to pursue my dreams and desires. And I was really affected when I entered the 'real world'.

But is this a good thing or a bad thing? The more numbers a strong community has, the more they are able to control their surroundings. It all comes down to supply and demand. If someone has something that is needed or desired by a large population, then they become rich and secure. And the more people you have in that community who carries that trait, the more power you will obtain in this world no matter where you are.

We are a young existence, I truly believe that. Humans are just figuring stuff out and we'll be around for millions of years. I'm just here for the ride in this lifetime. I understand that fear is a great motivator to control the masses and both sides of the political circle are guilty of that. It's going to take thousands of years for the entire world to become fully integrated so that there's no religion, race or greed that influences people and pushes us all into our categories.

I guess the most important thing I learned is that I love life more and more everyday. It's such a magical ride going up as the excitement, angst, fears, conflicts and love never die. And we'll be going up for a long, long time.

What I Learned Yesterday - Tuesday November 7th 2007

YES - Honesty is always the best policy

So a friend of mine is one of those genuine people. He's an idealist who believes in total equality for the human race. He borders on the extreme left and wishes that wealth could be spread around for everyone. I tend to like these people and I understand that they have a lot of struggles in the world and you hope that their will won't flame out because they face countless contradictions in their life.

This friend did something wrong but don't we all. It was done because he was confused and was looking for a confidence boost as isolation with the world was getting to him. He was feeling alone and needed to do something to give him his confidence back and for him to feel like a human being again.

So he told the person that this wrong directly effected and that person went a bit crazy and it really destroyed his life again. In hindsight he said he would of never of told the truth and kept it to himself because all the truth did was give him more hurt.

I thought about this problem he had for awhile because my friend is such a pure soul and the world needs more of these people. But that disclosure of the truth really effected his life in a bad way a great deal. So he told himself not to be as truthful again.

But now I figured it out. I still believe that the truth is the best policy for anything. BUT the secret is to make sure you have the right people in your circle of life who can HANDLE THE TRUTH.

It's a famous line in a movie because it's so very true. Some people are just so angry with the world or have many ego/insecurity issues that the truth is an excuse for them to be more destructive. It's a anchor for them to throw into the ocean and stop the progress of a relationship because progress is just too scary for them.

I learned yesterday that a great way of separating the people in your life is to ask the question if they can handle the truth!?

The truth leads to progress and a better world. Integrity is the cornerstone of a making the world a great place. We all know that lying is the easiest thing to do in the world. It leads to less conflict and to a safer existence. But it leads to an angry existence because you are always on vacation from reality.

We all do stupid things and we all do the wrong things. And smart people understand that. I've been in friendships and relationships with people that I've known that I can't be completely honest with. Some of the members of my immediate family are like that and I've really gone of out my way not to have a relationship with them because I know they lack intregrity.

I hope my friend just learns to keep telling the truth because I believe it leads to a much better life. And to make sure his next relationship is with someone who can handle the truth. If someone does something so wrong then it's your choice to forgive them or not. Then it's a simple tear of the band-aid and you move on with your lives.

But what is horrible is when someone uses that TRUTH to their advantage and keeps rubbing salt into it. That is how people get jaded and that is how the world becomes a much worse place.

That is what I learned yesterday!

What I Learned Yesterday - Monday November 6th 2007

The only opinion that matters is mine

I was talking with a friend yesterday who's having some struggles getting his work out there to the right people and pushing his career forward. I'm sure any artist out there can relate to that!

I run an event that gives people feedback and attempts to give people connections so they can become better artists and help their career. It's that simple for me but I know it's not an exact science.

I know that people get great feedback from my committee on their work and I hope that's most of the time. That the notes they get will help them out in some way.

That said if you're an artist you need to remember that your opinion is the only thing that matters. It you believe in your work than that's all that counts.

This business is a white-color business and any white color work is a bit cult-throat and extremely competitive. We live the live world of supply and demand. You will be supplied with wealth, riches and comfort if you have a skill or trait that is of high demand from many people. If you have no demand than you will more than likely be poor and struggling to find how you can obtain the demand. That's how our world works. Those are the rules.

I see time and time again how people are effected by what others think. The trick I've found and am learning more and more every single day is to not care what anyone thinks at all except for yourself.

The only thing that matters is what I think. By doing that and being very careful of others opinions, taking the good and learning to throw away the bullshit, makes you live a better life.

Anyone who's in this business to be a star or being successful will never go anywhere or best case scenario have 2 days of fame. That's not what's it about. It's got to be about the work and if you like your work and are willing to improve your skills as an artist, that's all that matters. Then the universe will do whatever it's going to do for you.

If you get success, that's fine and if you don't then I always take a look at what I need to improve on to obtain what I want to obtain.

The trick is to work hard everyday and not sit on your ass and complain about how things aren't fair. I keep plugging away taking action against the world as I know the laws of universe will react to it. It's simple mathematics!

What I Learned Yesterday - Saturday/Sunday November 5th 2007

TOP 10 Most Important Things I Learned This Week

10. I have an angst against my High School time because I know I failed at it. There were some things I could of taken advantage of and I didn't because I was ill prepared. And there's nothing I hate more than when I'm not prepared at something.

That said, there are a lot of silly things that happen and there is no way I could ever listen to someone I don't respect. And there were very few teacher I respected.

9. I am working about 14 hours a day and this is the best time in my life. I've never been in a stage in my life where I've felt so content with my life. I just feel relaxed and ready for a great day each and every day.

8. It's scary but I do know that I get exactly what I ask for in life. It's just the way it happens for me. The trick for me is to stay positive all of the time.

7. On November 3rd 2001 I stopped drinking and doing drugs and changed my life around. Someone asked me the other day why I stopped and how I had the discpline to do it. I stopped because I started to care about the world again while I also stopped caring about what people think.

Anytime I feel the itch to drink or do drugs is when I begin to worry about myself too much and when I also care about what people think about. Admittingly I have not been entirely clean the entire time as I slipped for 4 months in 2005 after a very tough breakup. But I got back on track and I don't think I'm ever going back.

6. I'm on only Water as I'm not drinking anything else. But I am giving myself grace to eat whatever I like. I just want to see how my body will react and it's reacting to me losing 5lbs this week.

5. I feel strongly with NFL football and its coaches. I relate to their meticulus and obsessive need to win and be the best. It's a good trait but a very bad one too. But I guess I'm like certain people and we just can't help ourselves.

4. I got really obsessive this week about my past as there is a riddle to my current life that I'm trying to solve. The past is about my feelings and why I'm insecure or scared of certain things. So I went back to see why I'm scared of something I need to get over right away. But what I learned is to manifest the future more as that is where the answers are.

3. Writing down what I need to do on a notepad the first thing in the morning or the night before really leads my day and if I don't do it things just get out of control for me.

2. Routines are great but too much of one can leave you stale and it can push you away from the rest of the world. The key is balance. I guess balance is the key to almost everything.

1. When someone tells you over and over how much work they are doing and how hard something is, I've realized that they are usually full of shit. The more someone talks about what they're doing, the more they are lying.

What I Learned Yesterday - Friday November 3rd 2007

I am now starting a routine of getting away on Friday's and going to my favorite place: the movies!

Eventhough it's just another way for me to study moviemaking as what usually happens, I have to say that I was taken in by a movie today for the first time in ages and lost myself in it.

American Gangster was that movie. A film basically about business life in the U.S. using the always entertaining organized crime as its backdrop. This was a film I got completely lost in.

You know one of those films where you forget that you're watching a movie and forget about anything else in your life? I can't remember when the last time that happened to me. It was such a pleasure today to feel young again because when I was a kid that's what everything I watched did to me.

Granted, American Gangster is a story I love to watch. Anything that's capitalistic and has highly intelligent businessman as its main characters is always something I like to see. And with Ridley Scott directing and my favorite actor Russell Crowe starring with Denzel Washington mixed in, this is a definite movie I had to watch right away.

But it didn't disapoint at all. And I am a new man now. It's funny how just a film can change my whole outlook but this film has.

I feel fresh now. Like my inner desires just went through an overdue car wash. My jadedness is out of me and I'm ready to rock in the upcoming months.

Big changes are going to happen for me. I can feel it. When lots of change occurs, you tend to loose you barings a bit and try hard to stay on track without losing control. It's good that I was able to get away and experience a good movie again before the storm of change happens for me.

Larry David Moment

Also watched The Bee Movie which I really felt I was watching an anti-socialism film and why that society never works and will never work. I think Seinfeld was very conscious of making this type of movie in the cartoon medium.

Sports Watching Moment

I already miss baseball. 5 months wait to opening day.

What I Learned Yesterday - Thursday November 1st 2007

Talking to this TV Host Producer friend of mine today and we were talking about how there's now two types of people:

the people who like to talk on the phone AND
the people who like the text message or email

I am not a phone person. I've never been. I remember even as as kid I would rather walk blocks to someone's house (a grew up in the pre cell phone, text, email era) than to pick up the phone and relay a message. I just never liked that way of communicating.

The phone doesn't give me enough for me to read someone. I can't study a person's body language so therefore I can't pick up what they're really feeling. In fact I am a bit scared of phone conversations because am not in complete control of a conversation.

My friend is a total phone person as he spends most of his time on it and feels even more comfortable on it than by having a one on one conversation in person.

I want to be him and master the art of the telephone conversation. In fact I demand myself to achieve this because I know that the phone is currently my Kriptinite and it's not going away anytime soon.

I learned today how bad I am on the phone because I'm too much in my head and thinking too much. I'm like a bad actor at an audition. I'm not relaxed and free. I can sell and pitch anything in person and get people to listen and drink the Koolaid that I'm pouring. But the phone I just don't have it because I can't figure out the person by just hearing their voice.

I know that's what I need to do. I need to study people blind folded and feel their energy just by the voices that come out of their mouth. This is my new mission.

Larry David Moment

I did have an hour conversation on the phone today with an old friend from New York. I find myself doing all kinds of things when talking without me realizing it until I hang up. I walk all over the apartment, clean a little bit, check my email, walk around the house some more. I just can't stay still.

If someone was watching me through the window they'd think I was on speed. I'm rushing around everywhere without a destination! But that's what the phone does to me: it makes me into a druggy again!

Sports Watching Moment

The NBA isn't a bad game. Beside my local Toronto Raptors, I've picked my team this year: The Memphis Grizzles. I just have a feeeling about them and I like they're Spanish Forward Paul Gasal. He's like no other player in the league.