LEARNING FALL 2008

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LEARNING FALL 2008 - Archive

Monday November 24 2008

I'm trying to get into fashion as it's very much a large part of our society. What we wear is how people judge us for the first time. A lot of perceptions are made by people just for what we wear. Those are the cold hard facts whether we like it or not.

I think I was born into this world so I can be against any mainstream convention that takes place. I was raised in a family that is the master at playing the role. Meaning that they were always with the times of the moment. A popular TV show? The newest cooking device? The trend of decorating? The latest fashion trend? They were always on the ball.

I became aware of this quickly growing up and I guess I wanted to be a rebel, so I tried with all my might to do the opposite of what my family did. Of course the irony of all of this is that I'm more like them now than I want to admit.

I'm from a very healthy and psychically fit family. So growing up I smoked and did drugs. But now I'm as fit (and it not more - part of our competition) as they are as I am constantly at the gym and aware of what I'm eating.

And, it's really my job now to be aware of the recent trends of our world. I guess the only difference is that I really crossed over to the maker and/or analysis writer of things, instead of an actual consumer.

But I've lost my way in the fashion world and I really don't have my own personal look. I see all of these people in my world who have their own unique look, using the clothes that the makers give us.

I just never set up my own style.

Part of the problem is laziness. I grew up with two older sisters and a Mom who doesn't miss any fashion shows on TV who really gave (and told) me the clothes to wear. Then I seemed to have always dated woman (or their mother's) who are also into fashion. So I really have never gone to a clothes store and bought anything myself.

Now I am on a mission to find my own fashion. My own unique look so I can look even more handsome than what I am!

Monday November 17 2008

I am miserable. At 11:54pm a tear came my cheek and I fought back more tears because usually for me if one tear comes, there are hundreds of others about to also come. I got so distraught couldn't sleep very well. It was a full fledged depressing moment for me.

Why? Because a team that I have rooted for since I was a kid lost a football game. 22 men run around a field banging into each other, while they try to get a pigskin across a line or between two polls. This "game" caused me to be sad. I am even smart enough to know that that is pathetic.

The Buffalo Bills lost another heart-breaker last night in front of a national audience. A hopeful season is now practically doomed because of this game. And I am really saddened by this.

It's just not about me. It's about the city of Buffalo. A dying blue-color town that will probably lose their team in the next decade to the growing corporate Toronto. Buffalo has almost no prospects for its future. The unemployment rate is the highest in any other area and their are really no prospects for future employment for many. The factory worker is a dying breed as the corporation have outsourced their assembly lines to foreign countries. Buffalo has nothing ---- except for the Buffalo Bills.

This is a town that leads almost every one of their local news stories about the Bills. After the 911 attacks, the lead story was how this effects their team! This team is everything to them.

So why do the sports Gods put this area into such turmoil? Everyone knows they lost 4 straight Super Bowls and have never gotten over the hump and won a championship. Why? Why can't the Gods just give this area some sort of hope?

Last night's game was devastating. They lost on another last second field goal (wide right!) that should of been made. Another reminder of the past failures of this team.

Most times it's just better to fail miserably than to be so close to success. You smell that victory and know it's there, only to have it taken away from you. Sometimes it's better not to know what you know.

The city I grew up near is in mourning today. Most people will stay in bed this morning because there's no reason to get up.

I cried tears of pain last night because a pigskin didn't go through the uprights like it should of. That one moment effects thousands of people's lives in a negative way. This is the world we live in now. A very strange world.

But sports are a black and white world. When one team loses, another team wins. At least the people of Cleveland feel good today.

Sunday November 16 2008

If there's one giant quality that I can take from my parents, it's to always move forward and never look behind.

Perhaps to a fault, both Mom and Dad continue to look ahead and basically look at the past as good memories or the "Mistakes happen. Time to learn from them and move on." mantra. No time like the present.

I am different. I seem to always be either in the future or in the past.

I'm always thinking ahead to my next moves like a game of chess and the present moves are boring because when I execute them, I already knew a long time ago I was going to do it.

And, I like to dabble in the past and get a better understanding for what I felt like during certain moments. I am obsessed with having a perfect life, so I like to go back in my past and watch 'game film' of myself so I truly understand how things were. My parents learn what their perception of the past was, as I try my damnest to figure out all of the angles.

Sometimes things come easy, like the smell of an environment. I was shooting a film a few years back and was close to my childhood home. So I knocked on the door and asked if I could pop in for a visit. As soon as I walked inside, the smell of my childhood was ever so present and so many memories of my past came roaring back in my conscious mind. It was wild and I highly recommend it.

And most times what I learn is not at all what I'm looking for and it triggers another emotion and journey.

The problem with life is that the more questions you answer, the more those answers lead to more questions. And on and on it goes.

I went back to my past to speak with an ex-girlfriend. The one that was suppose to go away but you still cared deeply for. There's that saying that says that people don't really change. I never believed that, but perhaps it's true most of the time.

I think that what doesn't change is all of our core fears in life. Our fears always remain with us. The trick is how good you can control them. The more you don't control your inner fears, the more you don't change. And you're left in a constant spinning wheel of life where you're basically replaying your life over and over again with different players (people).

So I went deep back to my past and learned a few things.

I have defeated many demons and addictions in my life: gambling, drugs and alcohol being the top 3. But I'll always have the addiction to my past.

I love myself and I'm fascinated by what I've done and who the people in my life were. What can I say!

What I Learned Yesterday - Wednesday November 12 2008

I went to a sports bar for the first time in ages. It's a nice place to go if you're a sports fan because they show every single major sporting event game happening at any given moment. I am a big sports fan but I have never seemed to understand most of the other people who watch sports.

I look at sports as a learning exercise. I try to put myself in the places of the coach and/or athlete and try to feel what they are feeling. Sports are also many times a metaphor for life as things that happen can easily be related to my current life. And then I learn from it and take those feelings into my everyday world.

But most people seem to watch sports to chug beer and chat with their friends. It's a social thing, just like many other forms of entertainment. I put most sports fans into two categories.

#1 - they really don't care too much about the results of the game and are just watching because everyone else is watching. Typical bandwagon jumpers where they'll root for a team that's the most successful in its present time.

OR

#2 - there own life's dreams and desires have been destroyed by them not trying or failing and never being able to recover, so they use sports as a why to express their inner emotions. They also tend to live and die on their favorite team's outcome.

Of course there is a 3rd category for sports fans and I and the people I talk sports with are on that list. But we are in the minority.

And for the people who hate sports and don't understand it, I do get why you don't. For myself, I grew up playing and watching sports and it was my way to originally express myself. And during my lowest moments of my life, it was there for me the most. It's important to me just like a hobby someone else has is important to them. I just happen to have a hobby that is extremely prominent and popular in our world.

But I'll never get soccer!

What I Learned Yesterday Tuesday November 11 2008

I like to master the art of spontaneity and routine. To be overly prepared but also make room for randomness.

I do this in my art and in my daily life. What I'm trying to master is the great interview.

When Bill Walsh created the West Coast Offense in the NFL, he was the first coach to have 15 scripted plays set up for his offense before the game started. That way, his players would know exactly what plays were going to be called in hopes they would get themselves more comfortable and ease their anxieties. Then they would understand what the defense was doing and then work their way into the proper gameplan for the game.

I now have set up 5 scripted questions before every interview I do. Therefore I can tell the story I want to tell more easily and have questions that setup more questions from the interviewees responses.

If I don't have those scripted questions, I'm going in blindly and it won't be a good interview. BUT, I also can't stick to all of the questions I want to ask because it then becomes a stale interview. Kind of like listening to someone giving a speech and having them read from their notes and not look up to see their audience.

Mixing spontaneity and routine. The art of my life.

What I Learned Yesterday Monday November 10 2008

I feel that I failed yesterday and it has bit a nice bite into my behind. I am now awake and very much aware of my flaws and life will never be the same again. I am being dramatic because I had a dramatic day. This was one of those days that I will never forget.

When failure occurs all of your senses become heightened and it's a time to really take a look at your life. The problem is that your energy also drains because your emotions are so upset. So the trick is to embrace this time (the hardest thing to do in life) and take advantage of the high observation levels you are feeling.

I hate failing. It eats at me so much. I've always been like that. I remember during a slo-pitch league I was in, feeling like I wanted to die when our team lost in the semi-finals. I just take things way too seriously.

It's more than I just want to win. I've done many things and have participated in many sporting events where I knew that the chances for victory were low. The situations of life sometimes are over your current head and you just can't win. But what eats at me the most is when I fail at times I shouldn't fail. Sometimes I am the better person and/or I play on the better team and I/we lose. And when that happens, I can't handle myself.

I lost yesterday because I assumed something and it effected a whole lot of people.

And that's the world I live in now. When I lose, others lose because they are associated with me. And as the months go by, the more people will be effected by my actions. I need to be very careful of the actions I take.

I learned a lot yesterday because I made a mistake. I will make mistakes again, but the trick is to never made the same mistake again. That's the sign of learning.

What I Learned Yesterday Sunday November 9 2008

I have so many things that I'm juggling inside my head, I somethings suffer from pure exhaustion just thinking about it. Everything gets done, but WILDsound is still in those beginning roots where we haven't reached that top of the mountain yet where we can relax for a bit. It's my determination to overextend myself each and everyday as much as possible.

I came across this in a notebook I was writing in 2003, and I know I should read this passage at least once a week. I don't know if I created it or if it came from somewhere else (or a mix of both).

O R G A N I Z A T I O N

O rder of things - knowing where everything is.

R outine - making sure I keep a consistent schedule of things I need to do everyday.

G ood penmanship - making sure what I actually WRITE, I can READ

A nalyze - before I send anything out, make sure everything is in ORDER. Don't RUSH through things.

N ote Taking - Be precise and not LAZY. Get do what you don't quite know yet when exploring your inner thoughts and/or when taking notes from a book or in a class.

I nvest - my TIME in keeping things straight and TIDY

Z ip it - my mouth. Don't talk about other people when they are not around. It's horrible habit.

A ll for one, one for all - Work at one thing at a time. Get the things done first before moving onto something else.

T ime - Time management is very important. Know what you're capable of at any given day. Know what needs to be done.

I nspiration - To set new boundaries in how to organize and set up my information.

O riginality - Don't do what everyone else is doing. Do what you think is best.

N eatness - In other words, don't be sloppy. Do it and do it right.

ALSO need to always fight fears. Get things done.

What I Learned Yesterday Wednesday November 5 2008

Barrack Obama is a true leader. He just has the demeanor of complete confidence. And (it seems) he's not BSing anyone. What he's saying is what he believes. In my lifetime, I don't think I can think of anyone who I have more confidence in. And I don't even know the guy!

I am a centralist kind of guy. I can vote either way depending on many things, but it mostly comes down to the person I have more confidence in. Obama is it!

I am officially drinking the Obama cool-aid.

Last night after his acceptance speech, he stopped for a second to wave to the crowd and he had this complete sense of 'this is exactly where I should be' look on his face. He knew a long time ago that he was going to be president.

I understand that. My instincts tell me where I'm going and when I get there, I'm not that surprised. Sometimes you just know.

Obama is part of man's evolution. We are progressing and many times in order to get a big push of progress, you need to have 8 years like W. Bush. If Bush didn't screw things up so bad, then the American people probably wouldn't of voted for Obama and played it safe way back when and elected Hilary or Edwards (thank god that didn't happen) in their party.

That's the fun of life. You can't see the progress in a day to day situation, but decade by decade. And this first decade of the 21st century has probably had more progress than any decade in history. Look back to 1998 and you'll see a completely different world!

Go Obama. I'm watching and learning.

What I Learned Yesterday Tuesday November 4 2008

Election day. The time when WILDsound's columnists, who are supposed to be writing about film and TV, begin to give their own takes on the subject of Obama VS McCain and how the media treats the situation. God bless them for trying to stretch their own column's themes so they can talk about what's on their mind. And it's the election. No matter what country you're from too.

The United States is the media center of the universe, so of course many countries care more about their election than there own, especially Canada. And including me.

I'll be glued to the TV tonight looking for great storytelling. And that's what the election is all about for me, great storytelling! And this will be either a short story as Obama will be considered the winner right away or an epic film that will last until the wee hours of the morning and perhaps even until the next day and beyond.

I learned that I care more about drama than almost anything else in the world.

What I Learned Yesterday Monday November 3 2008

Strange weekend for me. A hit and miss weekend. Went back to my hometown for 24 hours while I headed to the Bills/Jets game. I learned a whole lot in those 24 hours.

#1 - The more people you have in your life that you can trust and confide in, the better.

I miss one of my friends the most from back home because I forgot how much I missed talking to him. He's that guy who has the gifts in life that I do not. He's a master organizer and manager of everything. A true talent. We always get into these life situations/scenarios and we both learn a lot from it because we both see the world in completely different ways.

(SIDEBAR: Funny thing just happened when I was writing this column from a coffee shop. I have been trying to track down this TV movie reviewer personality (Richard Crouse) for months as I want him to moderate one of our Film Festival events. I see him outside through the window walking into a Quiznos. So I just ran after him and introduced myself as he was waiting in line. I got my man!)

#2 - You always need to talk to people about your career and business who are not directly in your field. They see things from an honest perspective because there isn't any real emotion involved. And it opens up a whole lot of ideas for you.

#3 - People who go to football games are generally morons. There was a study that says that 65% of football fans are either college or university grads and that under 10% of fans who actually go to the games are college or university grads.

I'm not making such a harsh judgment to say that if you don't finish higher education, you're not smart. Some of the smartest people I've ever met didn't even finish high school. But it's easy to find out that many of these fans sitting in the stands on Sunday's game aren't the sharpest people in our society.

Booing and swearing at someone for wearing a team's jersey that you are not a fan of is a pretty pathetic and moronic thing to do. And that was just the tipping point of how idiotic the fans were.

There are tons of intelligent sports fans and most of them are sitting a home watching it on TV instead of sitting in the freezing cold and having to wait 20 minutes in line to take a pee.

#4 - I am still insecure when I go back home. I still feel that I have something to prove with my family and old friends. I have a problem with pride. I am still embarrassed because in the beginnings when I moved away I had a lot of problems and failures in my life. Now that I'm doing okay still isn't okay with me.

This is something I need to overcome. I generally don't care what anyone thinks of me, except for the core people who were my major influences growing up.

What I Learned Yesterday Friday October 31 2008

I never got Halloween. I stopped wearing costumes when I was in grade 4. And with the exception of one year when I was so depressed and on so many drugs I had no idea what I was doing, I have never worn a costume again.

I think I'm missing out on something, but I really have no interest in finding out what that is right now.

What I Learned Yesterday Thursday October 30 2008

Wednesday was a landmark day for television. The Barack Obama commercial that was carried on 3 out of 4 networks was a risky thing do to. It could of turned out bad and effected his campaign. But it was a huge hit and probably was the extra sprint for the Obama campaign to defeat McCain by a landslide. Directed by the same guy who did The Inconvenient Truth, the 30 minute story/commercial was done extremely well.

It's all about how you tell the story these days.

Then right after the Obama commercial, Game 5 of the World Series started in the bottom of the 6th inning. Because of a rain delay on Monday, and the cancellation on Tuesday, the game restarted 46 hours after it began. From the first pitch to start the game, it was drama in its highest order. Most people who aren't baseball fans miss out on the greatness the sport is from the 6th to 9th inning because they don't make it past the 4th. In this case, they (and all of those kids needed to love the sport for the next generation) watched the conclusion of the game and witnessed the great sport it is.

Baseball got lucky.

It got me thinking about storytelling. George Lucas once said that 95% of a movie is about the first 10 minutes and the last 10 minutes and everything in between isn't all that important.

If you grab people right away, they will stay because the drug of excitement will make them want more PLUS they get emotionally involved in the characters because they first see them with such high stakes.

That's what baseball did on Wednesday. It started at its peak for the first time in it's 150 year history. And it could be the last time.

What I Learned Yesterday Wednesday October 29 2008

I have been writing a lot and this column is paying the price for it as I seem to have avoided it for other things. But I'm vowing to keep at it.

I am in the middle of a fast as it's always something good to do to clear all that physical and emotional crap that gets blocked inside of your body and soul. It comes out during fasts and it's not always a pretty site. At least it's not inside of me anymore though.

I was talking to a fried who is Muslim and he was talking about the fasts his religion does. I knew about this only because when former NBA player Hakeem Olajuwon (who was Muslim) used to go on his religious fasts, his play on the court would wane. I asked him if he ever cheated and he looked at me like I was the son of the Devil.

"Of course I haven't cheated." he said.

"But I'm sure there has been at least one Muslim in history that has cheated." I replied.

"Probably, but they're not a true Muslim."

I've heard of what it is to be a 'true Yankee', but never a 'true Muslim".

Organized religion is something I've never gotten. I do believe in something, but not what these Corporate Cults come up with. It seems that Fear is their best marketing tool.

Which is why I have decided to skip Christmas this year. I don't believe in it, so why should I take part in it?

What I Learned Yesterday Monday October 13 2008

I've been so busy doing things and pushing my creativity and career for the last 6 years, I've forgotten to take a look at myself to see who I actually am now and where the world and all of the people I know is now.

I looked into the mirror the other day and I didn't notice myself. I guess I'll always see myself like I was 4 years ago when I was at my peak physically and looking really good. I don't mean to sound conceited but I was a very attractive man who was in peak shape. I'm sure all of us have that time in our lives when we are the beautiful butterfly for at least a moment and my time came in 2004.

That's who I'll always be but the world now sees someone different. There's a new person when I look into the mirror. A guy who is now in his 30's and really lost touch in life. I thought I had it all figured out, but I've missed so much because I've been chasing after my passions for over half a decade.

For one, my body measurements hasn't changed much, so I really haven't even changed my clothes at all. So I'm walking around wearing early 2000's clothes when it's 2008 time. Also, I still refuse to carry a cell phone with me so this whole texting thing is something I've never done, and is obviously now the #1 form of communication between person. And I have this VHS collection of over 1000 tapes of things I edit and do (it's my only hobby) and I refuse to move forward into the TiVo world.

FACEBOOK of all things brought me back to reality. The place I really go for business and to promote our things. I have over 2,500 friends and I can honestly say that I probably have never met 2.400 of them personally. It's a site that I use as a necessary evil as I know it's not going anywhere and this is a great way to showcase what WILDsound does and raise hits on the website.

But something funny happened on the way to promoting on FACEBOOK: All of these people from my past came back into my life. At first, I hated the idea of this but now it's grown on me and has opened a huge can of worms.

For some reason I was browsing for some future clients and ran into wedding photos of my first love Alicia. She just got married and I was so happy to see her in her wedding gown with her now husband and family. I loved this girl and when we broke up I thought I was going to die (I'm sure we've all been there). It took me years to really get over her but now I'm just happy that she's happy. There's no way I could of ever given her the world and life that she wanted, so it feels good to see that someone I loved so much is where she is suppose to be. ONLY ON FACEBOOK!

Now I am also corresponding with my second love who I always thought I hurt a lot and for years felt really guilty about it. But she has a lot of perspective on our relationship and knew that we were too young to really handle much, much less a committed relationship with another person. Now we connect via messaging and honestly it's amazing therapy. ONLY ON FACEBOOK!

Those two people plus my parents and my sisters are the biggest influences of my life. It's felt so good to see that we're all where we're suppose to be.

But I realized talking to her that I really have moved so far away from my past. I don't correspond with any of my former friends at all and have pretty much left my entire childhood upbringing behind me. Corresponding with love #2 has brought back a lot of memories for me. A lot of bad memories and regrets. Damn FACEBOOK!

Saturday are my only day off (which they never really are because I do sneak in at least 6 hours of work) and last Saturday I had a really heavy heart. During my drunken and drug infested days I really pissed off and hurt a lot of people. Most of them will be fine as I was more of a nuisance than a negative influence, but there is this one girl I know I really hurt and the biggest problem is that I can't even remember her name.

This innocent girl who I manipulated and really damaged is a person who's name I can't even remember. It's blank from my memory bank.

I digged through all of my old writings to find any hint at her name and nothing. I met her on my birthday on Sept. 10th 1996, but that's all I can remember. Of course she knows my name, since I am the one who hurt her so much (why do we seem to remember the names of the pricks in life but not the ones who treat us with respect?), but I can't even remember a first letter or anything.

Digging through those old letters opened another large can of worms as I read a lot of my journal entries in a time I knew shit and thought I knew something. Just reading them made me understand how far I've come and how crazy I was. I am really lucky to be alive I did so many stupid things.

FACEBOOK has made me take a hard look at myself again and to not forget where I came from.

I will continue to work like a madman, but now I realize that I have to at least look at myself in the mirror everyday so I don't lose myself again. And to go back to my hometown a bit more. After all it will always be my home because it's the place I grew the most.

What I Learned Yesterday Monday October 6 2008

I'm trying to learn the art of doing 3-4 things at the same time. I pretty much have mastered the art of doing 2 things at once, now I am trying to evolve and do at least 3 things at once.

Yesterday I watched the baseball playoffs and the Sunday slate of NFL football games at the same time, while also working on some things on the website. If that wasn't enough, I also had another page open on the computer and was organizing my month ahead.

All was going good until 4 hours later I realized that I was in such a zone, I didn't know what was around me. Apparently my partner Jen was around doing her own work but I had no idea of the fact. I also came out of my zone a very hungry person as I also realized that I haven't eaten in hours.

I did get a lot of work done and watched a lot of exciting games. This is the best time of the year for storytelling. The non-Blockbuster/Oscar hopeful movies come out, the NFL season just gets into gear, and the baseball playoff occur for the entire month of October. Best time of the year!

So I need to take in these activities while also doing my work. The activities and the work go hand in hand for me. I learn from the storytelling watching and put it into my work. But I need to master doing 4 things at once while also being aware of my surroundings. The world could of fallen down around me and I wouldn't of noticed. But I'll get it.

What I Learned Yesterday September 18 2008

I've written about sleep in the past and it's something that's always on my mind. How much should I sleep?

I've always felt guilty if I've sleep in since I can remember. I think I took a shot of work ethic from the doctors before my parents brought me home from the hospital as a child. I'd rather do anything but sleep, but I also like when I actually do sleep.

From the years 18 to 24, I rarely slept as I averaged about 4 hours a night for 6+ years. Then my body crashed a bit and I spent about 2-3 months sleeping about 12 hours a day. I hated that time but I knew it was necessary.

In the last couple of days I've slept about 10 hours a night as I definitely needed some rest. Now I feel in that well rested but still tired stage. I like what I am feeling right now and know it's the sleep that has caused it.

I need to embrace sleep more. Bottom line. I have to come to terms that I will spent a third of my life not awake. This is something I must do or else.

What I Learned Yesterday September 10 2008

9/11 Birthday Story

Sept. 10th marked my birthday. Besides a glorious day on my 15th birthday at old Cleveland stadium where I watched the Jays win in 11 innings, I don't really have the happiest of birthdays. They are mostly learning experiences for me.

Birthday's are a strange thing. For me it brings out a lot of logic as I begin to organize things even more. It all started on my 24th birthday back in 2001:

That birthday I attended the Alliance Atlantis Toronto Film Festival party with my future wife and ex-wife. This event is always the big ticket affair as the who is who in the entertainment industry attends it. How I got to go I have no recollection of. My ex had tickets and we went.

Back then I was dangerous. I was a full fledged alcoholic and borderline drug addict and my mood was filled with extreme highs and lows. One moment I felt like Obi Wan Kenobi, the next the most depressed human in history. I was what you called manic. A word I'm sure derived from maniac because that's what I was.

I had a life dream and passion that I was not really tapping into. I was working in the industry but not doing anything I really loved. I also was headed for disaster and death within a year and I was happy for it to occur. I knew my gifts that I was given but I was scared shitless of them. I also was upset that I never got any encouragement growing up to explore my gifts more. I was treated just like everyone else and I wanted to be treated differently.

But that night at the party, I was awakened. Since it was an open bar, I was drunk within the hour. I looked around me and remember thinking at the exact same moment that I was more talented than everyone in the room while also thinking at the exact same time that everyone in the room all had vast more talent than I and was better than me. Those two extreme polarizing moments at the same time put a shock to my system. I was lost in the abyss and I either would stay lost or get out of it.

Being at both sides of the fence in the same moment is mathematically impossible. But emotionally it's definitely doable and there I was. Not the greatest place to be because two polarizing emotions at the same time cancel each other out and you end up feeling nothing.

As I headed to my film industry job right after the party at 5:30am, I went into a 24 hour convenience store and bought a daytimer. The alcohol from my system left me very quickly as I was on an emotional journey. Not a high or a low but a unique feeling in my core that I've never felt before or since and probably never again. The best way to describe it is that it was a feeling of change. I knew I was changing or death was going to occur. Something decided me to change as it wasn't me. I just wasn't strong enough back then to decide this for myself.

So I headed to work on the film set of the TV show 'Soul Food'. They were shooting at a park just north of Yonge and Bloor street in downtown Toronto (the most populized intersection in the city). I did my location setup duties as the rest of the crew arrived and then sat on the steps on the set Port-a-potti and wrote in my new daytimer.

I was going to change my life and I wrote down a plan of attack. Stop drinking and doing drugs was #1 on my list (a task that was much harder to accomplish than I ever dreamed) and then I planned out ways to accomplish my real dreams and desires. I knew I did not want to be a lost soul and wake up 20 years later doing things I never really set out to do. I kept writing for about an hour while they shot another forgettable TV show and then BOOM, the world changed.

All of a sudden there was rampant cell phone use around the set while they stopped shooting. I was curious what was going on but I was really more focused on what I was presently doing. Then a transport guy told me that his wife's plane from UK to Toronto had to be turned around because a plane mistakenly crashed into the World Trade Center.

I kind of brushed off that comment as I just thought it was a mishap in the air traffic controllers, albeit a strange one. It all sounded so out of this world I really didn't believe it.

Then the cell phone use kept getting more rampant and shooting was stopped entirely. I folded up my daytimer and walked towards set and then heard what happened.

I felt I was in a dream as this was the strangest timing in the world. As I hit the biggest crossroad in my life so was North America. I guess we all live inside of ourselves and the world is our expression and this happening was the biggest sign of my life!

I walked down to the Yonge and Bloor intersection and saw the most bizarre thing. Cars were stopped as thousands of people crowded together on the street and looked up to the big screen on that corner to watch the 9/11 attacks and happenings. People were shocked and scared out of their wits. Strangely and perhaps selfishly to some, I felt awakened and knew my life and people's lives will never be the same again. We all hit a bottom at the same time and we all had nowhere to go but up! A great place to be.

So I went home and slept. A strange sleep where I was half awake and half asleep. When I woke up my life was completely different as I was really only one day old but in a man's body. My past seemed to not have happened to me anymore as it was erased from my brain. I only saw what was ahead of me now. In fact, to this day I really have no idea who I really was pre-September 11/2001. I was reborn and given a second chance. This is really the greatest feeling in the world because as a baby, you aren't conscious of being born. But I was an adult.

I have never been the same again. And I've never dipped at all since then either despite the obvious ups and downs life gives you. I've been rising out of the debris and dirt since then and I've still got a long way to go.

So as my birthday hits again, I still can't help but see the irony that my life is. Born a day before the biggest event of our generation and going through what I went through hours before it happened, I honestly feel very special in that I'm just a dust in the wind way.

I believe in this world and know that it's been around for millions of years and will be around for millions of more years. I am very confident of that. I know that I'm here in this moment of our evolution trying to push our world to the next level. I take it seriously but I also know that I am so small in the grand scheme of things that I can't take things that seriously.

So while I lived those years of personal self-destruction, I realized how selfish I really was. I was given gifts for this world. How this happened - god, evolution - who knows! But I know I have them as does everyone else and it's my mission to give them to the world as much as I can. And the ironic this is that the more selfless you are to the world, the more life rewards you and in this moment of time in our lives, the more selfish people think you are because you have to do things not for one person but for every person!

Seven years ago I learned to love life for the first time and I have to thank the 9/11 attacks for it. So that teaches me that there's always some good in the most evil things. And most importantly, there's always something to learn.

What I Learned Yesterday September 8 2008

I have been suffering from a bit of burnout in the past few days. My body telling me to relax a bit more and take a break. I learned long ago to listen to my body because that's the tool that gets me from point A to point B. My mind take can me places inside of my imagination, but I'm not Luke Skywalker right now and can't move things with it so the body needs to be listened to more than anything else.

But football season is here at the perfect time and has given me a shock to the system. I'm the type of guy who watches all three games on Sunday. I need football as it juices my creativity and it's the key to my success.

On Sunday's for the next 20 weeks, I'll sit in front of the TV with my computer in hand and watch and create. It's crazy but I find it very hard to watch football with anyone else in the room. This is a sport I've learned to understand through the years. I understand the concept of a Cover 2 defense more than how to make small talk with my neighbor in the elevator. It's how my mind works.

Which brings me to the ultimate irony and tragedy of life. Wishing you knew then what you know now.

When I played high school football, if I only mentally understood the game like I do now I would of played in the pros. I was just too raw then without the natural gifts and dumber than a brick on the wall. But then again I wouldn't be what I'm doing now.

What I Learned Yesterday September 1 2008

Seven years ago today I decided to change my life and take accountability for my current situation. I wasn't doing good and I choose many of the wrong people to hang with.

The first thing I needed to do was organize my life. To balance my creative output with daily education and consumption (entertainment). This one small thing completely changed my life. I just started to organize my day and things have gone up ever since.

I see that with one of our interns now. We have a guy who has it all but can't figure out how to control his emotions. He's an artist in the making but is only 21 years old. So what he's feeling inside doesn't balance with his daily routine. It's hard and it reminded me of myself and many people get depressed because they are not organized in life.

Most of us have a lot going on inside of us. Our emotions go up and down and we need to control it. I guess it's called being mature when you can and you're immature when you can't. It's obviously not that simple, but I guess the sign of being an adult is being a person who can organize their life.

What I Learned Yesterday August 31 2008

The end of the summer. This time of the year always bring out the most polarizing emotions for me. As a kid it meant school started and it meant my birthday was approaching. It also means that football season is here, which is always my favorite thing.

I like the fall season and it's my favorite out of all the seasons. I like the North Eastern weather and I know I only have 4 months left to accomplish all of my goals.