What I Learned Yesterday - Friday August 31st 2007
A neighbour of ours down the hall moved out yesterday. He's this 78 year old man full of optimism, which is probably why he looks like he's in his early 60's. I used to meet him in the elevator almost every morning as we always talked about the baseball games the night before. He was a fan of the game and really understood it and therefore he was immediately a friend of mine.
He moved out to go live with his new girlfriend. I really never thought much of him besides our elevator conversations, but now I'll miss him. Funny how that works in life. 78 years old and he's beginning a new stage in his life. And all he's taking with him is a few pictures, some memorabilia and a new couch. That's it. That's all the possessions he has that's worth taking to his new home. The rest will be given away to charity.
Possessions hold you back
It's a cliche now that for every possession you give away means something new and better will enter into your life. It is true if you use this practice as this does seem to happen. But for some reason it's very hard to give away things that you seem to think you need.
I have to admit, I'm not as bad as my girlfriend who just has a ton of shit. But she's not as bad as my ex who really thought the more things you had, lead to a much happier life. Seeing her with so much shit forced me to get rid of all my shit when I moved in with her because I had to. There was just so much room for all the shit.
But I am still bad and I need to get rid of more. As I enter a new chapter in my life, I need to let things go because I don't need them anymore. I was reminded of this last week when I had to go down to our storage area to get my ice skates that my friend needed to borrow. Of course as things go, the skates were in the back corner of the storage area with plenty of crap on top of it. I had to basically dig a hole to the skates and when I finally got to them, I was stuck as all the stuff piled on top of me.
I got myself out but was agitated by all of this stuff that we don't use anymore but still seem to have.
My girlfriend can do whatever she wants as I'll always love her, but it's time to get rid of some more stuff.
Larry David Moment
I am really getting into a nice routine and I love it. The only problem I have is if I'm too into a routine and maybe it's not a good thing. But I know it is in order for me to do what I need to do. But..... oh those buts. Whoever invented the word but. Fuck that word. I just need to keep going forward. But is a word that makes you stop and puts you in neutral. GO is a better word to replace BUT.
Sports Watching Moment
I decided to watch my first National League game last night as I watched the Chicago Cubs/Milwaukee Brewers game. What a major difference this game is compared to the American League. It's amazing actually. How can this be?
What I Learned Yesterday - August 30th 2007
I was watching the behind the scenes documentary from the movie The Long, Hot Summer, a film from 1958 starring Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward and Orson Welles. Newman and Woodward were talking about how they were falling in love with each other during this time when they were filming scenes together. Fifty years later, they are still in love as during the interview they were holding hands with each other like they were your average aging couple still in love.
This brought up a lot of emotions for me because that's what I want in my future. I want to be a part of a magical relationship that has lasted for 50+ years and I'm just as in love with that person just as I was when I was younger. I want to be a part of a long lasting relationship where we both dream together and we enjoy our life's journey's together. There just doesn't seem to be any other way. It's the way we're suppose to be I believe now and if I accomplish this, then it will be my greatest victory. Just as it is for Woodward and Newman.
Learning to handle my intensity
I've realized through the years that every relationship that I've ever had that has begun (friendship, family members, girlfriend etc.) in an intense way, has always failed. And have always lead to my life to be in shambles when it was all over.
Do you know those relationships? The ones that begin with that magical vibe in the air where you think this is the best thing that's happened to you since..... well since the last time this happened. This is the person you've been looking a long time for and you're just so excited about it, you just want to spend as much time as possible with that person and if it's a partner, have sex with them as much as possible.
I've had those friendships and relationships and exciting as they were in the moment, they all ended and ended very badly. It's an addiction that I had where I met people and just loved how they made me feel so I wanted to just cash in, change my world and be with them all of the time.
But the solid relationships are about you running a marathon with them, not a sprint. You have to pace yourself when this happens and see if you are able to finish the race with them. If they are as great as you think they are in the moment, then you'll have your whole life to be with them. The intense feelings you have are not genuine emotions as they are tricking you to feel something in that small time frame that needs to take forever to happen.
I learned this by watching famous actors hook up with each other. Angelina Jolie, talented as she is, just hasn't figured this out yet. All of her relationships (Billy Bob, Brad Pitt etc.) start in these intense beginnings that just can't last a lifetime. So of course she breaks up with these people and they always end up in a lot of anger. She carries a vial of blood from her partner, gets a tattoo of their name etc... and these relationships are obviously from a third person perspective, doomed to fail.
A great movie that taught me a lot about this falling I had was the Roman Polanski film BITTER MOON. Great film about an intense relationship that was magical and then destroyed these people's lives and everyone else around them.
Watching Newman and Woodward was just a reminder to me of what is good and proper for someone like me who is in the Entertainment Industry and wants to have a long term relationship. Just take those great feelings at the beginning and pace it out to see if it's worth it. Because sometimes those intense feelings come from my own ego/insecurity and I just want to feel better about myself and it has nothing to do with the other person.
Larry David Moment
I now go to this video store to pick up my movies that is a computer and I just need to click through the database to get my movies in a matter of second. Boy oh boy, this beats going to a Blockbuster where I can never find what I want and I have to talk to these Quentin Tarantino wannabes behind the counter. Sometimes the less people I have to talk to leads to such a better day for me.
But I'm realizing that businesses now are now changing like the farming industry changed 25 years ago. Instead of a bunch of cows walking in large fields, they are now compacted in a ball so more cows can be born so they can kill them. More cows = more money for everyone and more fast food in the mouths of our society because the marketing companies will figure out a way to sell all that beef.
It's a sketchy but effective formula and I think it's going to be like that for everything in the next 10 years. Instead of a Blockbuster with it's large square footage, we'll now just have to go to a store like I now go or go to a website and they'll deliver it for us. Same for groceries, drugs etc... We've evolving so fast now, the middle man is not needed anymore. And it leads to a lot more room for us to room or for the corporations to figure out how to take advantage of to sell more products.
But is this a good thing? I think it is but I can guarantee most people don't.
Sports Watching Moment
Jays were playing during the day yesterday. Nothing like day game baseball during the week. It's the best thing in the world. No wonder the Chicago Cubs still do it. The Jays lost and I'm realizing that when I don't watch them, they always win. So I should just never watch them. Maybe I'm bad luck for them.
What I Learned Yesterday - Wednesday August 29th
This will be my shortest entry so far because what I learned yesterday was simple.
We all have flaws in life as no one is perfect. Every single one of us has a personality disorder where we don't get something or lack a certain quality. That's what makes us so special as we are all stupid in at least once activity.
My major flaw is that I am always looking for the next high, whatever that may be and I ignore the things and people in my life to get that. It's a very unhealthy obsession I have but I think I finally have a true recognition of it.
The trick in life I just figured out is to make sure your flaws don't become the end of you. To understand that you're not perfect and figure out what personality traits you have that are flaws. And make sure I work on a daily basis to keep them in the backburner. Because as soon as that flaw comes out in my personality, it's like a ball of snow falling down a slope in the wintertime. It gets bigger and bigger and bigger and can cause damage and know that they'll never go away.
If I make sure I damage control my flaws, then I have the makings of a pretty happy and successful life. This trick it to know when they need to be damaged controlled.
Larry David Moment
How many times do you have to say hi to someone in a day? The superintendent in our building. I see the guy about 4 times a day. I really don't think I need to say hi to him more than the first time in the day I see him. Saying it more than once just wastes energy. Doesn't it?
Sports Watching Moment
I like to work and have sports in the background. It makes me concentrate more as it a soothing feeling that I enjoy. I've always been like that.
What I Learned Yesterday - Tuesday August 28th 2007
I do have to admit, I am obsessed with human nature. It's just something I am constantly thinking about in my daily life. I think I've always been like that and it was one of those things growing up where I assumed everyone was just as obsessed as I was. Then I realized that most people aren't because they didn't want to talk about it like I did. I think we all have an obsession that is unique from everyone else.
I like to categorize my human nature study like most newspapers organize their sections. The main section, which is usually political, world issues or extraordinary events happening to average people. The Business section, which tells you, if you read between the lines, what's going on in the world with the power people and where we are heading because they are basically at the wheel of the ship. The Entertainment and Life section where it talks about what's happening with people I don't really care about and how I can become more like them even thought I never would in a million years.
And the Sports section, which is a nugget for me in really understanding what's going on in the world. Sports are an analogy of we are about today. You will get current events, business and entertainment in this section and if you read it on a daily basis, you see what is happening in the world as the Sports section is the section that changes its format and stories the most, whereas the other sections are basically the same than what they were 40 years ago. Go to the library and get a newspaper from 1967 and compare it now. It's all basically the same stories filled with the same black and white writing styles and fact talking about the same things. All except for the sports section. What is talked about in sports was not talked about then. No one cared about the athletes at all, they just cared about who won or lost the games. Now the game scores are at the back of the section as they are now an afterthought.
And that's how the world is different now from just 40 years ago. We don't care about the results anymore, but about the stories within the path to get to the results. And no one remembers who won or lost anymore but what happened with so and so during that mission.
What I learned yesterday through sports was that it's all about the Personality.
Personality goes a long way
Here were the 3 top stories in the world of sports yesterday:
1) Michael Vick stood in front of the media yesterday and apologies for what he did after he plead guilty to the Dog Fighting murders and gambling scandel. Most people didn't what he said and still think of him as a horrible person. He's going to jail for 12-18 months and might never play in the NFL again.
2) It was disclosed yesterday that Travis Henry, an NFL running back for the Denver Broncos has fathered 9 children by 9 different woman in the last 7 years. He spoke about it and no one seemed too worried of him being able to be a good father for all these kids living in all parts of the United States.
3) Lance Briggs, the Chicago Bears lineman crashed his 2007 Lamborghini into a pole in the early morning yesterday, then left the scene and his car without telling anyone to go to bed. Briggs stated he had football practice to make that morning and needed to get some sleep. He'll be fined but not charged for leaving the scene. Briggs was questioned whether we was under the influence and he stated using his trademark wide-eyed grin ‘No Way.'
Three stories that were not about sports but were the main stories for yesterday. Two stories I find very disturbing as the other one is bad, but just isn't as big a deal as people think it is. But it's all about who's got the best personality and people just let things slide.
Travis Henry has personality. People like him. If he didn't have personality, this would be a major story. If he was someone like Ron Artest, an NBA basketball player who is a pretty good guy who does stupid things, Artest would of been ostracized by the media and those organizations that like to tell you what your morals should be. But most people don't know this story because Henry performed in front of the media and they liked him. Same for Briggs.
Michael Vick isn't as savvy as those boys. He doesn't have that personality where he can capture an audiences attention. He killed dogs, yes. Henry is a kid with a penis he can't control and all of his kids will suffer from having a father who won't be around unless he becomes a polygamist, marries all 9 woman and set up house with them all. Briggs, sorry but the circumstantial evidence is just too great. He was obviously under the influence and left the scene of the crime. He could of killed someone by drinking and driving. But those stories will not be talked about again after tomorrow as the Michael Vick case will be talked about for the next 3-5 years.
Think of politics. Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton in my lifetime probably had the greatest personalities in the history of mankind. Those guys could get away with anything with their charm. People idolized them and of course people hated them too. The people with the greatest fan bases have the biggest enemy bases too. They are polarizing and can get out of any situation because of it.
There are two things you really can't take seriously: People who are huge fans of something or somebody and people who are harsh enemies of something or somebody. Extremes always need to be taken out of the equation. But when you have the personality that is all about extremes, then you can get away with murder (literally).
I first noticed this in the early 90's when Bush Sr. succeeded Reagan as the leader of the Republican party. Bush Sr. would say the same things as Reagan said but would get destroyed in the media for it. It was amazing actually. Bush Sr. just didn't have that mojo. Same for Al Gore (who's improved considerably in the last 6 years). He would talk about something that would require plenty of questions from the media that was the same thing Clinton said a year before that no one questioned at all.
Look at Michael Jordan. He's been caught for infidelity and illegal gambling as a lot of his friends have been in prison before and are connected with organized crime. But no one really talks about that and Jordan still makes over $40 million a year in endorsement deals. Jordan's got personality. If someone else did what he did, like say a Pete Rose who really has no personality, the media would profile him as a bad human being and he wouldn't be making $40 million for hawking corporate products like he does. It's all about personality. And you either have or it you don't.
Larry David Moment
You ever had a lunch meeting with someone? These are strange meetings because you are talking business but are eating a meal at the time. I had one yesterday. I decided to order the salad but I really wanted the steak. Just thought a salad was better for me when I brought up negotiations. Salad is the Switzerland of lunch meetings. It's a neutral order that can't be judged at all. It's really the only thing you can order. Boy I wanted that steak.
Sports Watching Moment
I am reading a sports book so I don't need to get my watching fix. Besides, I'm awaiting the football season and the MLB playoffs as the Jays are not fun to watch anymore because they are out of the playoff hunt.
What I Learned Yesterday - Monday August 27th 2007
I did something yesterday that I've been wanting to do for a long time but I was getting caught up in my own life a little too much. A day where I could study, relax and be entertained all at the same time. A day for the movies.
A Day at the Movies
I settled into my seat yesterday, popcorn in one hand, licorice in the other and awaited for that great feeling when the movie house turns its lights off . I anticipated entertainment and seeing a good story and hoped for the best. But I first had to watch advertisements for about 15 minutes. I don't mind this now as being in the industry, I get it. But I hated this in my early days.
I first watched The Bourne Ultimatum, which I really loved. Just a well made film that kept you thinking. I really appreciate this film because currently I would have no idea at all how to direct it. This is just a story and world I love to watch but have no idea how to execute. These are usually the types of movies I like to see. A good comedy too is something I enjoy because this is still a genre I don't fully understand.
I am not a critic and I really don't like making judgements about any film, but I have to make an exception to make my point and say that Rush Hour 3 is a pretty terrible film. I saw it after The Bourne Ultimatum and it was like walking into a fast food joint right after I just had a gourmet meal. Why films like this get made is really hard for me to handle. I know why there are made because they are basically guaranteed to make money. Not at the box office as they try to at least break even but in the DVD sales because everyone who own the first two successful films, will have to own this one too to complete the package. That and it gives the studio the opportunity to bring out a Special Box Set of Rush Hour 10 years from now when the nostalgia value settles in for this pretty pathetic franchise.
As a filmmaker, I guess it just pains me to see these types of films. I tried counting throughout the film for any scene, moment or shot that was original or that I never seen before just to keep me somewhat focussed. And I did not find ONE original moment in the piece.
Superbad was my last film of the day and I had to say that I really like it a lot. And it made me think a lot about things of my own past. After the film as I walked home, I started thinking about my own high school days and wishing I had a worthwhile friendship like these characters had.
Friendship was just something I've been forced to learn in my later years as I think my friends in grade school and high school had it all wrong. We liked to beat on each other when we were down and there was no trust happening at all. If something happened to you that was embarrassing in their presence, it pretty much would be common knowledge in a matter of minutes to the rest of the world.
I got lucky I guess when I started working at a Grocery Store and learned what friendship was about by forming relationships with a lot of people that I'm still friends with now and probably forever. And it's basically about family. Taking care of each other when it's necessary and enjoying each other's company. Simple as that. Wish I got to learn these lessons when I was younger because I think I missed out on a lot of things hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Superbad is a funny movie too. Liked the way they portrayed cops as these are the cops I know. Not the super cops you see on TV a lot of the time.
Larry David Moment
Walking out of the Rush Hour movie and was talking to a guy about our experiences watching it. He thought it was a terrific film as I thought otherwise. I looked at him like he was an idiot and he looked at me like I was an idiot. We both wanted to explain to each other why each other was an idiot, but we then decided to stop this action at the same time because we both realized that each of us was too much of an idiot to further explain because each of us was just too stupid to really understand.
Sports Watching Moment
The NBC Sunday Night Football broadcast is becoming more like 60 Minutes than a sporting event. They have just stepped up their coverage to such a professional broadcast that I think it will take any sport hating person about 5 minutes to realize that they are watching a football game and not a News Show.
What I Learned Yesterday - Sunday August 26th
The Ten Most Important Things I Learned in the Last Week
1. To make sure I'm totally prepared when I venture into new territory. .
I noticed from my past experiences that a lot of heartache occurs when you're not prepared for something. The trick is to know when you actually are prepared. I thought back to my high school experiences and how I wasn't prepared for anything at all and just skated by. I think back and just know that if I just organized 1 or 2 things about myself, then things would of been a whole lot easier.
2. You're never alone if you believe in something bigger than yourself.
I've been getting a lot of comments about what I've been talking about in the last few days. Mostly from people thinking that I should find GOD and how he is the saviour to my happiness. First off, I am happy, but happiness is a sliding scale and I want to reach as high as I can. That's one of life's missions in my opinion.
But I don't think there is one thing, that is bigger than us like a God. Those feelings I got in my first memories when I was 3, about something out there that's bigger than me, before I knew anything about Organized Religion was indeed about a Higher Being. But my feeling is that the world itself is the higher being. If I do what I'm suppose to do in this lifetime, then I'll make the world a better place. And that's what I'm taking about. I can't be alone if I know what is happening to me is about making the world a better place.
Organized religion holds people back because there are rules. Rules that's main theme is fear and saying you shouldn't do this because this will happen. People can't function properly in a system like that.
There is only 1 rule in life. Find your passion and make it your life's destination. Then you are happy because you are doing what you want to do and all of a sudden you get a lot of breaks and lucky events happen in your life. That is when you know that you're on the right path, when things just magically appear on your lap. And it's all about fighting your fears to get what you actually want out of this life. When you do that you don't ever feel alone. Because you're serving the world by doing what you're suppose to do.
3. Organized religion is a bigger sham than what I ever realized.
It's the root of all evil. It makes smart people stupid and it makes people think about fears other than their own. The last thing people need in their lives is to think about more fears. And I do have to mention that these religions are worth BILLIONS, but still ask people for a buck or two each time they go to church while they look through the advertised filled program. It's a smart business they run but full of a lot of evil. Imagine if these businesses/religions gave all of their money to fight the problems in the world that they actually say they believe in. Well, put your money where your mouth it.
4. Woman need to band together and get Hilary Clinton in the Head Office
Even if you don't believe her main principles and even if you don't like her all that much. Get her in office as the world really needs a woman in the biggest leadership role in the world. It will change things so much and it's about time. Voting for Hilary is like the Academy voting for Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. They aren't voting for his performance but voting for him because he's due. Well the world is due for a US Female President.
And she still has a bone to pick about the US Health Care system. It's her and Bill's biggest failure in the 90's. She wants revenge against the Drug Companies and this is a fight that needs to happen.
5. That if I don't laugh at least once an hour, something is wrong.
I realized this when watching some foreign and festival films. No matter how tragic the story is, we must laugh at least every 25 minutes when watching a movie or else we the audience will not be as focussed. Laughter is one of the most important things we do in a day. It focuses us to be more aware of things, plus it helps us not take things too seriously.
6. I miss playing Hockey
A friend of mine is up for the young Don Cherry role in his made for TV movie. He was practising his hockey skills and asked me for some advice as I played hockey my whole life until I stopped in my early 20's. I haven't put on a pair of skates in about 8 years and this is not good. Hockey is a flawed game but there's something magical about skating around the ice with a stick in your hand. I'm Canadian and it will always be apart of me.
7. I make a lot of stupid mistakes
The things I do are mind boggling to me when I think back later on. It gets to me how many mistakes I make. But I need to be a better parent to my soul. I need to pat myself on the shoulder from time to time and praise myself more. Reward myself more. I am in a stage in my life where I am obsessed with gaining power and stability. I think I'll always obsess on those things so it's time for me to maybe eat that Hot Fudge Sundae and enjoy it without feeling guilty about enjoying it.
8. Delegation is the key to survival and life
It's time for me to give up more control and let people in on what I'm thinking about. And express my true feelings more. The biggest fear I have is that people will judge what I'm scared of. The only way to beat that fear is to actually express it to someone out loud and let the chips fall.
9. I need to take 10 risks a day.
10. I like the life I live right now but I'm not in love with it quite yet. My current goal is for me to love my life right now. I'm happy but I'm not really happy. I just feel that I still don't get the best of myself and that needs to happen.
What I Learned Yesterday - Saturday August 25th 2007
I was talking with my girlfriend on the phone yesterday about wanting to take a week off on a certain activity I do. It was a miscommunication as she thought I wanted to take a ‘week off'. Well that's the funniest thing in the world to me as I can't take a week off for anything at all. Three days is the maximum but after the 2nd day I'm raring to go again. Resting is a good thing but I've always done things that I really loved to do in my life and if I didn't like them at certain times, at least they were challenging. So why take time off from it!
Taking a vacation is a foreign thing for me. Why leave something you love doing to go and sit at the beach and do nothing at all? A couple of years ago I was going through a really rough time and a friend suggested I go to the Dominican Republic with them and hang out at a resort for a week to clear my head. I went and after the 2nd day I was going completely crazy. I didn't bring enough books to read either and I needed some stimulation badly. So I walked the sketchy streets during the night that I was told not to do to try to find any sort of adventure. A police chase on a motor scooter and being involved in a drug bust later, I found my high but at the cost of almost going to jail and getting hurt.
I know I do have a lot of issues and I must center my energy in the proper avenues or else I'll get in a whole lot of trouble. And one of the problems I have is when I feel alone, I do get a little batty.
Loneliness is my biggest enemy
There have been a dozen times in my life when I felt alone. This is one of those times. Loneliness to me is not about having people in my life, because sometimes the more people, the more lonely I feel. Sometimes certain people just aren't right for me in that period of my life. Right now with my girlfriend on her ‘Round About' (a soul cleansing drive the car to any destination creative retreat she needs to have from time to time), I'm left with many thoughts in my head and none of the right people in my life to talk to them about it.
I am lucky right now to have a lot of great people in my life, but right now what I'm thinking and trying to express is not compatible to any of them. That is why I feel alone.
Sometimes I feel the most together and comfortable when I'm alone with my own thoughts. But there is always that time where you need to bounce your ideas off to others but those others you bounce the ideas off need to be the right people. If you bounce those ideas off to the wrong people, that is when you feel the most alone because they either don't understand what you're saying, don't care what you're saying or don't agree and want to contradict what you're saying in a form of judgement.
Ideas are things that most times come to the conclusion of a dead end. I have about 50 new ideas a day but I know only one or two of those ideas are actually worthy of some more insight. New ideas are coming to me more often than before but I have to figure out which ones are worthy and which ones are not. And that is why I feel alone right now because I'm bouncing my ideas back inside of my head and not out to the world.
These are the moments when I get in trouble as my past life experiences tell me this. This was why I got caught in the drug addiction I had because I started drinking and doing drugs when I felt alone with my thoughts and doing drugs is a form of talking to your own thoughts for awhile before the addiction comes in and it becomes something else.
I know a lot of this is my own fault. I think I'm a little too hard on people these days and I scare people to really communicate with me. And this is because I'm being so hard on myself and I'm just projecting it to the people in my life. I need to just appreciate myself more and then I won't feel so alone. And people will feel free to talk to me and I'll then be free to talk to them.
Larry David Moment
I went out for a walk last night and got to talking with this guy who was carrying a whole lot of weight, literally. His sister and boyfriend were in town and he was holding all of their luggage while they stopped in a drug store. I looked at him and saw such heartache. I asked him if he was okay and he said point blank "No." Too much going on he said. Work is stressful as layoffs are happening, his love life is in the toilet and now his sister and jerk of a boyfriend are staying with him and are looking for him to be the tour guide. He lit a smoke and said in a very optimistic way, "Maybe I should try hard drugs to ease the pain."
I told him that it's not that bad and that it's all going to be good. He nodded as I walked off and in a strange way felt better about myself. I couldn't imagine if my sister came to stay with me. My empty apartment now felt like the greatest place in the world and I couldn't wait to get back.
Sports Watching Moment
I thought a lot about sports yesterday. These professionals playing at the highest level against the best professionals in their field. That must be the greatest feeling in the world. I grave to get to a level like that.
What I Learned Yesterday - Friday August 24th 2007
I learned that if you're not organized with your own life, then it's hard to be organized when it comes to your career.
That there are a lot of guys in the world but there are very few men. My goal is to make sure I'm always a man.
I always care what people opinions are but I realized that it's my opinion that counts the most and really is the only opinion I should worry about.
There's such a huge difference in how people under 25 communicate with you via email than anyone older than 25. That's the cutoff line for some reason in the way people are just different in this era. People under 25 have this way to tell it all in a matter of 1 or 2 lines in a message. They cut to the chase while revealing almost no sub-text. So you can't figure out what they are really thinking in email / mypsace / facebook messages. This generation will make for a very good thief as they reveal no traces of evidence and keep plugging along. Anyone older than 25 has learned a different language of communication first before email. It's like email is our second language to their first. So therefore I find with the 150+ emails I get a day that if someone is older than 25, they either tell you nothing at all and you're left confused or they tell you too much and if you really analyse the message, you can figure out a lot about them.
Woman really get the short end of the stick and it starts in high school. Because woman are much more mature and wiser during this time, they really have slim pickings when it comes to choosing a boyfriend. I remember approaching girls at 14-16 and getting these looks of total disgust. Those looks at that age leave a boy hurt and angry and full of complexes later in life. But looking back she has every reason to be that mean.. When you're a boy between 14 and 20, you know nothing while trying to pretend you know everything. Girls were just looking for a boy who made them laugh and were brave to express their own thoughts and opinions. Of course they gave us dirty looks because they were frustrated by all the lost souls out there. All they were looking for was a man who was a teenager and finding that is as rare as finding a $20 bill on the street. And during this time is when men make up their minds about the opposite sex.
In order to be a man you have to understand woman and most men don't. A lot of us are still in pain from our fucked up high school experiences. And a lot still hold grudges that carry into their everyday life. And a lot of those guys are in a power position and subconsciously hold woman back. If there was a way to really find the complete truth, I can guarantee that most guys still have a complete love/hate relationship with woman. Their desire is to sleep with them but they also hate them for past experiences and humiliations. And if you're raised by a mom who is angry, a narcissist or fear ridden, then you're in a lot of trouble.
I really think the next decade will be all about the power of woman. I think they'll be a shift in power during the 2010 decade and woman will finally take at least 50% control of things. A lot of major businessman will die and it's a perfect time to begin the takeover. I think it's necessary too as this is what the world needs in order for the world to evolve in a better way. Men have had control for too long and they've fucked up a lot of things. It's time for woman to grab the wheel and see what they can do.
I'm noticing that this decade is a lot like the 50's from my reading and research. The government officials and the organized cult religions want to put people in place again. This needs to be stopped by all means necessary. I think it's time to take down some of these power religions as people are really getting brainwashed. Just my opinion but have you had any conversations these days with people who go to church every weekend? There's something completely off there as they are communicating with you from an unusual stand. They think they know something you don't and that you aren't as special as them. It gives me the creeps.
I remember even as a kid I was very aware of the world and it's flaws and contradictions. I think a lot of 80's kids are like that. But I wonder how aware the 90's kids are. Maybe they are more aware than I was. But I know that the 00's kids are really being put in a vacuum and this needs to stop. Anytime the major news sources talk in black and whites, (good vs evil etc.) this is when the brainwashing begins. They leave people to make 2 choices only in a world where there a millions of choices
I make people uncomfortable a lot of the time because I'm always talking about the future and not the present day that we're in. I realized yesterday that I need to talk less and listen more and take in the fun of each day. I always want to get to the finish line and I forget the fun of the race itself
Lazy people I still don't understand, but I'm going to try my best to relate and understand and not judge.
Larry David Moment
I saw my next door neighbour all 3 times I left my apartment yesterday as we were leaving at the exact same time. It was bizarre, but was more bizarre was that each time I saw him, he was wearing 3 different sets of clothes. Do people change their clothes that frequently? I am so out of touch but I thought about why. One set of clothes for work. He gets home and chances into something else and then changes again to go out for dinner with his girlfriend. 3 times.
That kind of change is just too much for me in a day. I like to find one set of clothes that will carry me throughout all of my activities.
Sports Watching Moment
The Jays played their best game of the year last night. Top to bottom it was a thing of beauty. Problem was it took too long for them to hit their stride. Don't you hate that in life where you finally figured something out but it's now too late.
What I Learned Yesterday - Thursday August 23rd 2007
Someone read my August 12th installment and was nice enough to comment back on it. Here's what Maggie had to say:
"I read your piece on August 12th but have been too busy to comment until now. There is a soul cleanse you know & there are three parts to it 1) Knowing change is needed. 2) REALLY wanting to change & 3)knowing how to change. Assuming 1) & 2) are in place - what is 3)? You were talking about living in the present but acting like you were still living in the past. Do you know why this is?
Human beings (mammals)'pattern match'. We have mental 'templates'. Some are complete when we are born (instinct), others are completed later (learned behaviour). As babies, children & also as adults we learn to behave in certain ways in response to certain events. But the cycle of events is like this......stimulus - pattern match- emotion - thought. Behaviour will often follow emotion rather than thought!
An extreme example of this is a Faulklands war veteran who became traumatised each time he saw a Mars Bar. He had been involved in a battle in which a number of his friends had been killed. It emerged in counselling that during the battle whilst he was in an emotional 'trance state' he had seen a Mars bar wrapper blowing across the battlefield. Thereafter any time he saw one he experienced the same emotions that he felt during the battle. It didn't matter that intellectually he knew he was safe - emotionally he was there again.
Emotions are much stronger than thoughts. This is an example of PTSD - but what you describe is a milder form of the same thing.....people & events 'pushing your buttons'. So how do counsellors diffuse PTSD & how can you change the way you feel & react if you don't like it the way it is?
The answer was discovered during the second world war. It was found that if shell shocked soldiers were helped to relive their distress - but then calmed down again - their traumatic memories became less troubling - ordinary bad memories without the emotional link. The important thing was the calming down, because if this did not happen the trauma actually became worse! What was happening was this....reliving the memory activated the neural pathway, calming down reprocessed the memory to a different part of the brain. This is the basis of the 'rewind technique' used to treat people suffering from PTSD & phobias. It can also be used on your 'buttons'. I won't go into more detail here - if you are interested get back to me. I can give you a description of the process or point you to literature about it etc"
Well this letter opened a can of worms. I like to think from entirely an emotional side and need to realize the scientific reasons for why things happen. All I know is that we're a very young group of species but we are very smart as we've evolved pretty quickly. Human behaviour is going to be mastered one day. And maybe that's why we're all here: to master who we are. And as soon as that happens, this human experiment is finally concluded. Or maybe we fail ourselves and conclude the experiment that way.
Larry David Moment
I went for a walk last night. This is my favorite time of the year as the Summer ends and the Fall begins. I love these times of season overlaps, but I especially like this time because there's such a contrast happening. Brightness turns into grey and brown and the temperature dips to that coldness of awkwardness. So much change is in the air because for a lot of businesses as this is their calender year end therefore causing rifts in many people's lives, plus the time where kids are getting ready for school. I just love observing people in times of fear and change.
So I was walking down the street and noticed this couple in love. They stopped in the middle of the street and he whispered something into her ear that seemed to be very sweet and romantic. The began to kiss in that way people in love kiss, not people in lust. There's a huge difference. I approached them and commented that I thought what happened was very sweet.
The girl gave me this dirty old man look and the guy gave me this ‘you come any closer, I'll clock you' look. I was shocked by the reaction. Then I passed by a store and saw myself through the glare in the window. I have been working at home all day and I was wearing your stay inside kind of clothes, I also haven't shaved in about 10 days and my hair was all over the place. I think they thought I was a bumn.
It's amazing how such a good looking guy like myself can turn so ugly if I just decide to not take care of myself. It's like I get treated like an animal, but not a dog of course. If I was a dog, then I would of been petted and told how cute I looked.
Sports Watching Moment
It's amazing to hear all of the reactions of the Michael Vick case. A lot of people are calling this a racial case because Vick is black, something I never even thought about. Maybe I'm past that, but I never even thought of Michael Vick being black or white or blue or orange. We're all human and we all look different is the only thing I know. But this has become a big complaint from people that he's being treated differently because he's black.
One analogy was made that I sort of liked. White people can get a gun, go to the woods and shoot deer or birds or rabbits or whatever the hunting season it is. But black people can't be a part of a dog fighting business where a group of people watch two dogs fight each other.
So, isn't this the same thing. Except one is legal and the other is illegal. And most of us know that the law is pretty silly filled with many contradictions. And the law was and is generally made by a group of rich white men figuring out what law to make to suit their own needs.
I'm under the opinion that guns should be outlawed, especially for something silly like hunting. The world has evolved past this as this was a tradition that was necessary during certain times in history as people needed it to survive. But now it's pretty silly in my opinion. One of my mentors during my teenage years working in a Grocery Store was a huge hunter. So I understand people's passion for it but I think if you're going to send someone to prison for dog fighting, then shouldn't you send someone to prison for taking a rifle and shooting an innocent deer in cold blood?
But the difference is that people love dogs more and they treat dogs like they are the gods of the animal kingdom. Dogs are a man's best friend even though I've never gotten the opinion from a dog whether man is the dog's best friend. So if someone treats a dog harshly, it's like they are treating a human harshly while they go to their freezer and get the Pork Chops out for dinnertime.
So this isn't a race issue. It's a dog issue!
What if Michael Vick was a part of a Pig fighting business? Would he be facing jail time? And would people really care if he was killing Pigs after they completed their fighting mission? Makes you wonder. Isn't it the same thing? They are both animals aren't they? But this is what the case is all about. Michael Vick killed dogs and dogs are in their own special category.
I'll admit that the whole loving dog thing has never made sense to me, but I kind of understand it. I think I was traumatized in my suburban childhood when the neighbours across the street from where I lived treated their 2 dogs like the were their children. They would dress them up like a parent would dress up their baby and talk about them as if they were human and not dogs. It was obvious that either the husband or wife didn't have the ability to have children so the compensated. This really fucked me up and I've been off dogs since.
What I Learned Yesterday - Wednesday August 22nd 2007
I used to work at a Amusement Park in Niagara Falls called Maple Leaf Village. A place now extinct as the Casino replaced it. I was a games attendant working games like Dart Toss, Whack-a-mole and Target Shooting. It was a really fun job and it gave me a lot of time to think, talk to tourists and master the games I was attending. I got to be very skilled at whack-a-mole especially, as I might of been the best in the land during a period of time.
One game that was a complete scam was Ring Toss. They would have coke bottles set up and someone would try to throw a ring around the bottle. It was impossible as they maybe gave away 4 stuffed animals during a summer while making thousands upon thousands of dollars. I worked this game a lot and yesterday reminded me of this. The experience of watching people literally throw their money away for something so stupid because the eye of the big prize of a stuffed animal was too tempting to pass up.
That's what the world is a lot of the time. One big amusement park. But you have to know what to choose because you can either have a great experience or could be left with your pockets empty and nothing to show for it.
Learning to listen to others
The editor of the film festival moderation videos who've I've got to know more and more through the months warned me yesterday. He didn't want me to go back to a past activity because he knew it probably wasn't wise. I of course brushed him off because I know better but later on that night I realized that he was right. It's a harmless thing I knew, but going back was just the wrong choice. I did it already in the past and I wasn't going to succeed, so I just needed to not go back.
This is one of the tricks in life I find. Handling our own ego! I want to convince myself that the ring is finally going to go around the bottle and I'll win that stuffed animal because it looks so easy from the outside. And because we've failed at it so many times, I just think one more toss at it will turn it all around. But of course it won't because that activity just leads to disappointment and failure. The game is set up not to win so you just can't play it.
Sometimes you want to think you're right because you want to do it and you rationalize it in your brain. But it takes someone from your world who has the guts to say that you're wrong. It's a lot easier sometimes to observe someone other than yourself and we're all generally good people in this world, so we want what we think is best for a friend, family member or colleague.
He was right and I was wrong and he knew it to. And I thank him for it.
Then there's the other flip of the coin. How to convince someone you love that their about to make a completely wrong choice and will lead to no good? I'm in that situation now as a friend of mine is going down the exact same path he's gone in the past and everytime he goes down that path, it leads to a lot of harm for him and the people around him.
So what do you do? Everyone has their own choice to make so all you really can do is state your opinion and then let them do whatever they are going to do. Really, what else can you do?
But what I learned yesterday is to really listen to people if they have an opinion on your life because they must be saying it for a reason. And they probably really don't want to say it because they know it will lead to a conflict and no one really wants to be in a conflict with anyone. I need to listen more and talk less as I need to hear what the people in my life have to say.
And of course you just have to know yourself and how you react to the advice that is given to you. If you begin to react from the area of EGO and can recognize that, then you know what they are saying garners a lot of attention. And if you react in the pure side of your heart and brain and they let you know not to listen, then you don't listen. And that's the trick of life in a nutshell.
It's that reaction to things and really knowing who you are that separates the great people from the average people. And I am not there yet but I'm getting close. I'm almost there where I know why I'm feeling and thinking things and what area of emotion it's coming from. It just take a lot of practice.
Larry David Moment
I still have issues when it comes to tipping. When did this practice jump into our society? I don't get it really. Shouldn't a tip be rewarded when something is very extraordinary and you want to reward that person for it. But at the same time isn't giving someone money for a job they are suppose to do anyway a little insulting? What does money really mean anyway? I want to begin to tip someone in a different way. Instead of money, how about you reward them with a valuable contact? Or saying something nice about them. We all like to get complemented.
But I know that certain jobs are structured for the person to get a tip because if they don't, they can't pay the rent. And that's bullshit. Tips are like taxes. We seem to be forced to pay them no matter what. And it pisses me off. Yesterday I was in a situation where I needed to tip someone but they did a poor job. But I felt obligated but society is telling me that I have to tip them and I felt taken advantage of. Not by them but by another stupid unwritten rule that we all decide to live by.
Sports Watching Moment
The Blue Jays season is officially over. They lost again last night and it's another year where we won't go to the playoffs. 14 years now!
What I Learned Yesterday - Tuesday August 21st 2007
Michael Vick took a plea yesterday and conceited his guilt in the Dog Fighting Underworld scandal yesterday. He is going to jail for at least a year, maybe more and he won't be playing in the NFL for at least 3 years.
I've never seen in my lifetime such a fall from grace. Mike Tyson is the only other person to compare him with. Vick, who appeared to be on top of his game, has lost so much not to mention over 80 million dollars from his now defunked NFL contract. A 80 million dollar gamble to watch dogs fighting each other and then kill them if they aren't valuable for them anymore. Not a wise gamble.
You can not look at this situation and not learn from it.
Choosing your entourage is the most important job
We are in a strange society as there are many contradictions happening. We like to judge and judge harshly when we see people do stupid things but at the same time we always like to forgive people after time for the mistakes they make. Everyone has a second chance and Michael Vick, I"m sure will get his in a few years. He's just too great an athlete not to come back, born with obvious natural gifts that he really needs to use to his potential in the sport of football where he's allowed to use those gifts to its highest capacity.
I always wonder why these things happen to people who are obviously in that valuable time in their lives when this is the moment to focus on their craft and nothing else. I was very critical of Mike Tyson during his rape case as it was pretty obvious to anyone looking at the evidence that he was guilty and rape must be one of the worst things a human being can do to another minus murder. But Tyson was just a messed up guy who really had no one around him that he could really talk to or really trust. Everyone in his life was on the Mike Tyson ride, making sure they could get as much out of him as possible.
Imagine living your daily life with influences like that in a world like Tyson's, at the young age he was and the message up past he had in a profession where knocking people out is the claim to your fame and it all equals to a messed up life. But imagine if Tyson had just one person, one person, who was there for him in a completely genuine light, like a strong father or mother, and his life path is completely different.
Michael Vick just had a lot of the wrong people in his life. The guys who led him into this Dog Fighting world were the members of his entourage and all childhood friends. They asked Vick to join them in their little hobby and things just snowballed. It was like the first time my ‘good friend' asked me if I wanted to do a line. Five years later I woke up on a street corner in a pool of my own vomit wondering what the hell happend.
I'm not blaming anyone else but Michael Vick or myself for what we did. Everyone has choices to make and everyone needs to be smart about who they let into their life. The people you choose are the people who are going to make you who you are. It's really that simple. Human beings needs are love and friendship. It's what we all must have in order to survive. Whomever you love are the people who influence you the most because you let your guard down to the people you love and trust them totally. They can either make you a better person or a worse person.
Funny enough, all of Vick's friends sold him out as soon as they all got in trouble themselves. They were all going to testify against Vick if he chose to plead not-guilty in order for them to get a lesser sentence. That is point #1 in the evidence that these guys are really not good friends.
One of the most popular pulp-culture shows today is the HBO show Entourage. And that show is the good side of an entourage of friends following their rich and famous friend around Hollywood. All of the friends love and care for each other and are not solely there to ride their rich friend's coattails. Eric, the movie star's best friend loves his friend and does what's best for him even if that means they make less money. And Turtle, the other entourage gang members is a tad selfish and lazy but is also loyal to his friend. Turtle represents your typical average guy doing what most people would do in his situation and the bottom line is that he loves his friend and his friend loves him.
What makes the show work is love. Its show's theme is friendship. These guys love each other and are good friends. Even the scene stealing Agent Arie, loves his client Vince more than your typical agent would love a client. Name a show that doesn't have love in it's main theme and you have yourself a show that isn't on the air for long. People want to see other people in loving situations whether they consciously realize it or not and follow them around week by week. Even the Sopranos is about love. That show's theme is family and of course Tony is a fucked up guy in so many words, but his main quality is that he loves his kids and even his wife. In a very confused, messed up way, Tony does what's best for his family in the world he grew up in and knows.
But in the world of many other entourages, the show Entourage is pure fantasy. Many people do what's best for themselves and not their friend in these worlds and Michael Vick/Mike Tyson is the result from it. Without naming any names, my first hand example of an entourage was working on a big budget comedy movie in my days as a Film PA. The star's friends were on the movie payroll doing the all important job of hanging out at this trailer and playing catch with a football all day. Day by day I studied these guys and day by day I realized that these guys could care less about their movie star friend. And seeing this I knew that the movie would fail because if it's star couldn't figure out who to bring into his life, how was he going to carry a 80 million dollar film?
That star faded into the ‘Where are they now' category. And when I woke up again 5 years ago from my own mistake ridden young adult stage, to begin the 2nd stage in my own life, I realized that the people you choose to have in your entourage is the most important decision you can make in your life. And the Vick situation was another great reminder.
Larry David Moment
To tell you how sad I can be, I like to make bets on the NFL pre-season games, and then watch the entire games watching 3rd stringers play against 3rd stringers. And I find this viewing a whole lot of fun.
Sports Watching Moment
See above!
What I Learned Yesterday - Monday August 20th 2007
I had a song in my head all day long yesterday. I always think that when this happens, there are two reasons #1) It's a brainwash song invented by a corporation with hidden messages to make you do things you normally don't want to do and #2) The song's lyrics or emotional responses are trying to teach you something that you need to know.
I had Kenny Roger's The Gambler in my head all day long. I was even singing it in the elevator and in the bathtub:
"You got to know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. Don't count your money, when you're sitting at the table, you'll have time enough to count em', when the dealings done."
Mastering Adversity
When things are down in the deal of life, I know that this is a very good thing because what I'm about to learn will be very valuable for my life. But during the moments of adversity is when life sucks and you just want things to be normal again. And during this time is when you know that it's going to get better and it's going to get better when you finally learned what you need to learn.
I like studying my life as I'm been writing in a journal for years and this has made my memory of things that have happened very good. I can remember everyday of my life from 19 to now and this is not a good thing sometimes because I do remember how much of a moron I was back in the day. BUT I do see many patterns from my life so far and I do know that anytime I fight through the bad times and learn from my mistakes is when the problems go away.
I alway know that most of my problems are Matthew Toffolo made. Things happens because of me and anytime I find that my morals were a bit off, is when problems show up.
Right now I'm in a holding pattern and I know that choices need to be made. I'm feeling off and a bit down but I know that this will end because it always does. But it only ends when I decide something new and unique for my life. I just made a few bad choices and I know I have to get out of that hole. But most importantly I know I have to get organized and this is something I'm currently avoiding a bit.
Bottom line: I know that there is a big learning lessen for me that needs to happen for me to push ahead. Usually in life you don't move forward if you don't learn the key ingredient you need go forward. And what I need to learn is the choices I make on a day to day basis need to be more profound and I have to live for the day and not for tomorrow. I know the future but I don't live in the moment enough and it gets me in trouble. My girlfriend says that I sometimes take away the fun of the now as I'm always talking about things for the future and not taking in what's going on at the moment. And she's right.
So during the day I have to simply learn when to hold em, fold em, walk away and run. And just never look ahead but live in the moment and I'll have time enough to look ahead when the day is done. And when I master these choices, this is when I'm one step further in mastering this life.
Larry David Moment
I'm making a stink at my gym because they want me to pay 20 dollars for a new membership card as I seem to have misplaced it. This is a whole new thing they are doing as most frequent members don't have a card and just walk in. So they found a way to get some easy money. I will not pay 20 dollars for a plastic thing that costs 15 cents to make. I told the manager that I'll sue if he forces me to pay this as it's a corporate cash grab and I'm sick of it.
Besides there are so many other gyms to go to and the supply and demand formula tells me that they need me more than I need them. It's time we all stand up for these corporate easy money scams. I will fight to the end for this meaningless problem and I'll win too!
Sports Watching Moment
I like to do daily predictions for sports games and I was wrong in almost every single one today. And these are signs that it's time for me to really take a hard look at myself because my instincts are completely off.
What I Learned Yesterday - Sunday August 19th /2007
My Dad was in town yesterday for a convention so we had dinner together last night. I was in the lounge of his Hotel waiting for a few minutes and people watching. I saw so many happy people dressed in their night outfits on there way to dinner. Everything felt special and new as I then realized this is why I liked staying in Hotels. It's all fresh and exciting because people, more often than not, are in an environment they really want to be in and they are away from their probable stressful lives back home.
I'm from Niagara Falls so I met many people from far away places who were travelling in our city and I always loved meeting them because it made me feel like I was also travelling as well and exploring new things too. This upbringing sparked me to do a lot of personal travelling of my own.
There's something interesting too I noticed from travellers. They usually tip better and just treat people a whole lot better than what they would if they were back home. It was then I realized when my father got off the elevator and met me, that he just treats everyone the same, no matter what. And that is something I really need to learn from him because god knows I don't do that.
The Art of Treating everyone the same
There is an art of treating everyone the same. My dad is a pretty successful guy as he was high up in the General Motors management ranks and spent most of his daily life talking to people working for him. But know matter if they were the bathroom attendant or the CEO of GM, he just treats people the exactly the same. He never discriminates or thinks he must kiss someone's ass. It's always the same even kneel level and it floors me how someone is like this.
I told him last night this is what I realized about him and he said that one of his mentors/boss in the early years told him that you can always learn from everybody as each person you meet in your life has something to teach you, so you better treat them with respect.
My girlfriend's father is exactly like my father too in this way. Probably the only two people I've ever met who are like this. The one problem we both had with this was that we kind of thought we were more special than most and wanted to be treated like that by our biggest life influences: Our fathers. I remember my dad treating my exactly he did my friends growing up and I didn't like it. But I do know that this is who they are and they see the world and the people in it as all equals.
If I can master this quality, I know my life will be a whole lot better. But the problem I have is that I spent a lot of my days judging talent and I can't keep that necessary task I do in just that environment. It seems to trickle out into my daily life.
Judging people or just treating people different is a form of insecurity. You do these things to make yourself feel better about yourself. We all do rude things without us really realizing it and we all do stupid things too. And we're generally just as bad and good as everyone else and yes there is always something to learn from everyone.
The trick for me is to treat everyone with the same equal amount of respect. And this is something I will be consciously aware of until I master it and it then it just becomes something that I am.
Larry David Moment
Eventhough I'm a grown adult, I still am in that stage with my father where he pays for the dinner check when it comes, no questions asked. I guess as long as he's serving as my mentor, that means he's the one who pays for things. As soon as I am worthy enough to be his mentor, is when I pay for the check. But I still feel uncomfortable with him paying but then again I don't. I get a free meal.
Sports Watching Moment
I was having lunch with a friend and we got into our usual long-winded talks so I missed most of the Jays game. Good thing too because I heard they stunk it up. I still think if they let me into the clubhouse to give them a lecture/pep talk, I would do a world of good for them and they would go on a long winning streak. Motivating people is my talent and I need to motivate these millionaire jokers.
What I Learned Yesterday – Saturday August 18th 2007
Conflict was the order of the day. I needed to face my girlfriend head on and vice-versa in order for us to get through a divided point we both have.
These are the most difficult conversations you have to face but boy oh boy do you learn from them. I guess I've learned through the years by failing so many in other relationships, that total honesty is needed in order for a relationship to get better and stronger. It's so easy to tell half the truth, but telling the entire truth about what you feel is the hardest thing to do and the most rewarding thing in the end of it all.
After a conflict is resolved, it's all brand new
I just began a new relationship yesterday. It's the same person I've been with for a long time, but it's now totally new. When we kiss, when we talk, when we touch each other....... it's like touching a whole new person. We both grew together at the same time yesterday resolving our conflict and we are both now completely different people.
I want this relationship to last my entire life, so I know that conflicts and agruements are most times the best things to happen for us. There is a problem that needs to be solved and we must solve it in order to survive. If we don't, then our relationship begins to crumble. But we both want to be with each other, so we have to really struggle and use our brain power to the highest levels to solve this problem. You go into survival mode because you know that this needs to be solved or else a death happens.
I really don't believe in the word compromise. A problem must be solved in a way that both parties are completely happy with the results. This is very difficult but I know from experience that this can happen.
Compromising is like a band aid from my experience. Compromising leads to more conflicts about the same initial problem and the same problems will keep showing up again and again. This is what I learned from my last failed relationship.
Variety is needed for any relationship to survive. Things always need to be mixed up. You can't have sex in the missionary position every single time. But what I've realized is that problem solving a conflict leads to the biggest changes for a relationship. A new fire erupts and it becomes an entirely new relatinship again.
I am a new believer in substaining a long term relationship that should last forever. I wasn't always like this as I thought that there's no way a man like me could be happy being with just one woman. But I realized that I'm 100% more happy being with just one woman that I love and are growing with together than being with 100 different woman.
Two people walk in unison and the path becomes very large and so much easier to get through. You walk that path by yourself and it takes a lot of maneouvoring to get to your destiny.
Larry David Moment
To leave the house or not leave the house. I so did not want to go anywhere yesterday but I felt obligated that I should. Why? I don't know, because I think I should just step out and see the world at least once a day. I told myself to fuck off and I stayed inside the house all day long and I loved it.
Sports Watching Moment
Is a win a win no matter what? The Jays won last night but really didn't take advantage of the many opportunities they had. This game should of been a blow out but it was close in the later innings and they had to use their A team bullpen, something I wished they were able to save for today's game.
Sometimes a victory is really a loss and sometimes a loss is really a victory.
What I Learned Yesterday - Friday August 17th 2007
I didn’t do much yesterday. In fact I couldn’t do anything because my concentration level was almost non-existent. I was lost in the world of exhaustion. I was so out of sorts because it was time to take a break.
Needing to make sure that I keep asking if I’m happy
It was time for me to reward myself. Something I don’t do often enough. Days like yesterday are rare for me but I know it was the day to stop, order some pizza and watch some old TV and a couple of movies.
When you stop and just take in your relaxing joys, you really see where you are in life and where you are headed. It opens up a new can of worms where you see your failings and what you need to improve, but also see that you’ve done a lot more that what you realize and you’re not as lazy as you think you are.
Relaxing is a good thing and something I’m just not used to. I think I don’t relax enough because during this time it forces you to really access whether you are happy or not. And that is the most important question you can ask yourself on a daily basis. The world can suck you in and you sort of lose your most basic emotions. And that’s making sure you’re happy.
So I learned yesterday that I am happy and that my life is pretty good. And not as bad as I thought it was. Sometimes I am so focused on improvement, I forget how lucky I really am.
A psychic once told me that I will be rewarded a lot in this life but I probably won’t be in the right frame of my to actually accept those rewards. That I am the type of personality that just sees the glass half empty wanting to fill it up more and not half full and it being exactly where it should be. I need to see the glass half full a whole lot more.
Larry David Moment
I loved the Pizza I ordered yesterday. Problem is that my stomach is always a tad behind my hunger. I kept eating the Pizza because I thought I was still hungry, but I wasn’t. My stomach is always 5 minutes behind so I know I have to stop eating at times in order for it to catch up. But I didn’t yesterday and therefore my stomach got overloaded and I felt like shit.
It’s that temporary reward dilemma. You keep going for the moment of pleasure eventhough later on you will be punished for it. It’s that choice I seem to have to make everyday of my life.
Sports Watching Moment
Getting jazzed up for the NFL season I’m even watching Pre-season football. You know that a sport has you by the balls when you’re watching their pre-season.
What I Learned Yesterday – Thursday August 16th/2007
I was at a press screening for a film yesterday morning. These things are basically preview screenings invites of a film for the media (and me) to watch before it hits a festival or the mainstream theatres. This film in particular was headed to the Toronto International Film Fetival in a few weeks and a sneak preview for the press to review.
I hated the film as I had no understanding of the characters at all and therefore didn't care about the plot. I wanted to get out of the theatre as quickly as possible but in the entire filmmaking team was in attendance and I didn't want to insult them by leaving. So I was trapped watching images on a screen I so didn't want to see. I tried going to sleep but I was just too wide awake. I felt like I was going to vomit as I felt so clostrophobic.
Trapped in my own emotions
This situation was an analogy to my entire day. Being trapped in a situation that you want to get out of. This is how I've been feeling about my own emotions. I am still blocked in the ways of the art of expressing myself. I still don't know how to handle what I'm feeling inside and express it outworldly to the world and just get it out of my system.
Because I am on such a high learning curve this year as so much information is coming inside my brain, this also means that my emotions are feeling the same way. I am a bundle of feelings and I don't know how to get it out there. It's all about my fear of dealing with my true feelings and lack of practice because growing up I and probably many others don't really have any sort of education in the art of handling what you are feeling.
I am under the opinion that Handling Your Emotions should be a class that is taught in school in every year just like English and Math class. It's that important for us to learn. I think 90% of the problems in the world stem from people not expressing themselves as profoundly as they should be stopping themselves from fear, insecurity, ego etc... and this leading to conflicts with the people around them. And this leading to rage and ultimately crime and war.
Of course organized religion is the biggest culpret. They teach you to block your true feelings about sex for example and where do these feelings go? They don't go away but are stored inside of you twisting and turning and a lot of times ending up in rage when they are ready to be expressed to the world. Feelings are going to come out of your system. The trick is to make them come out in the most honest light and as soon as possible.
I really think that if so many of these people who end up mass murderers, pedophiles etc.. were really in an environment where feelings were talked about when they were children and are NOT JUDGED for their emotions and thoughts, then they won't become what they become. Hey, we're all fucked up and we all think fucked up things. It's who we humans are. It's just that there is no environment for dealing with these fucked up thoughts when they are at their most pure when we are all kids.
Now my girlfriend has to be the victim for me not being able to handling my thoughts and feelings in a proper way. That's not fair at all. I'm trying real hard to deal with all of my thoughts. I need to in order for me to have a happy life for my remaining years.
Larry David Moment
There's a running funny story about me when Rae Dawn Chong asked if I was Gay and I had a bad reaction to it. I am a suburban raised kid and my main influences growing up were Italians who hated Gay people. I don't hate Gay people or really have a problem with anyone being who they should be. But I do have Gay issues due to my upbringing. And that's why I need to make sure people know that I am a woman loving hetrosexual maniac!
Last night at the after party for the event, I was saying good-bye to a friend of mine who is Gay. He made a friendly gesture to me by patting me on the waist ----- but it wasn't the waste ---- it was right in the middle of my waste and my ass. He touched my ass with two of his fingers and I was really bothered by it. I know I'm a handsome man so I wondered if this guy was making a pass at me for doing this? Or if this was just a mistake? All I know is that I didn't like it.
My Gay issues continue.......
Sports Watching Moment
Jays wons. Of course they did. Undefeated during WILDsound events. Coincedence, I think not.
What I Learned Yesterday – Wednesday August 15th/2007
I had the weirdest of days yesterday. There was a moment in the day where something hit my entire body and life as I know it will never be the same again. It's the strangest thing but it happens to me a few times a year. A moment of Zen or something where I figured out a great insight about the world and the way I observe things have now changed.
These feelings are completely bizarre because I now think I'm living in a new world where everyone else around me seems to be living in the world I used to live. It's the hardest thing to explain but I now know that it's all going to be new from here on out.
Passion is so contagious
There's something so magical about being in an environment where passion is the main emotion. It's what I'm trying to accomplish in the WILDsound events and it's happening slowly but surely. Passion might be the most powerful thing in the entire world as it can take over anything that comes its way. The trick is to have as many people in an environment as possible who feel that same power of caring so much about things. It doesn't have to be the same thing that people are passionate about, in fact it's better if say 20 people are in a room who all have passion for 20 different things BUT everything has the same goal they want to obtain.
It's what every Producer and Director wants to obtain when they begin a feature film. They know that if at least 15-20 people out of a crew of 100 are completely passionate about the project, that they have the makings of a pretty terrific film. Because the Passion that people are feeeling will spread like the greatest virus of them all throughout the crew and almost everyone will be forced to care.
For 18 months after I left film school, I moved to Toronto and worked at entry level jobs in the film industry. I did all the crap that no one else wants to do and I didn't mind it either or the 18 hour working days because I got to observe and be around a lot of interesting people. And mainly I got to learn how a movie actually gets made because film school doesn't teach you anything.
This was during the Canadian film industry boom where many Hollywood films were being filmed in Toronto and Vancouver. There was a lot of work to go around and a lot of people were make a lot of money working on these gigantic budgets. I worked on tons of films, mainly emotionally harming environments where there was a lot of drugs going around and most people really didn't care about the film they were working on.
One of life's absolute truths is that everone wants to be a part of something bigger than them. It's why cults like these organized religions became mainstream in our society. People just want to know that there's something bigger out there and they want to be a part of that. We all want to be a part of that something and it's our human instinct to try to find it.
It's like making a film. I've talked to 100's of people who work in this industry from PA's to Production Managers. Everyone wants to be a part of a film that will be special. A film that will be remembered for generations after they are not around. It's why a lot of people work in this industry.
Unfortunately they know that working on a film like that for most is very hard to obtain. Everyone sets out to make a good film, no question, but there are so many factors involved. It becomes it's own identity and no one, not even the director, can control. It becomes a freight train that will take miles to stop because it's so huge and there are so many people working inside of it. Personalities get mixed in and when that happens, so do egos. But if that passion bug starts from a pure emotion at the beginning and it spreads through the cast and crew, then the film has a fighting change.
Of course certain people have figured out how to succed in this drive more than others but everyone has made a film that they aren't proud of because the emotions just got out of control. And a lot of great scripts have been lost in these emotions too.
One of my last jobs before I quit the industry to set out and do my own thing was working on the film Chicago, which was ironically filmed in Toronto. It was the film I remember feeling the most at peace in as there seemed to be less talk and more work happening on set from the craft services people to the electrics on the tech trucks. People seemed to really care about what was happening. Of course admittingly I was also coming down from a 6 year drug binge so my emotions were basically everywhere, but I remember thinking that this film might have a fighting chance to be good. And it did turn out to be a good film.
I changed yesterday because I looked at our events and I saw a lot of progress. Progress that maybe I can only see since I'm the man driving this ship. But I think we're 9-12 months away from a Passion only, ego free, judgement free environment. There are just too many talented people in this world who need to get what they deserve and show who they are to the world. And I hope to be at least one stroke of the paint brush influenced to make that happen. As if we get to that top of the mountain where passion only drives these events, then watch out because that's when magic happens.
Larry David Moment
Our terrific moderator last night for the Film Festival, Liam Lacey, a top film critic in the world right now was asked by someone in attendance to take a picture for them of them at the event. Liam obliged and when he passed back the camera to it's owner, it dropped on the ground and is probably broken.
So the question now is, who's at fault and who should pay for the damages? Should Liam because he accidentaly broke the camera or should the camera owner because it's his camera and he asked him to take the picture for him.
Ah life. These are situations where everyone has an opinion. What do you think? Who should pay for the damages?
Sports Watching Moment
The Jays won yesterday. Of course they won because they win every single time we have the Film Festival night on. They are undefeated on WILDsound nights. We are their good luck charm.
What I Learned Yesterday – Tuesday August 14th/2007
It's so ironic that I wrote about not taking things too seriously yesterday because that came to the test today. And really, this comes to the test about 12 times a day for me every single day of my life. When things are riding high and I'm feeling good for some reason when one little small problem arises, I get upset and never recover emotionally for the rest of the day.
Why does this happen to me? It's been a problem of mine ever since I can remember my first memory. In fact, that is my first memory. I was 3 years old on vacation in Tuscon, Arizona with my family. Things were going great and then I got upset and starting crying and never recovered for the rest of the vacation. That is the first thing my memory bank remembers. It's the beginning so to speak.
Learning to control my emotions
One of the problems I had growing up was that I would get too attached to situations and then become very emotional if good or bad things happened. I was basically emotionally invested in everything I did from playing a board game with my older sister to street hockey with my friends to taking a math test at school. Everything was do or die for me. I didn't prioritize what I cared about as I cared about everything I did equally.
What I learned as a kid was to stop it. Stop caring and getting so “uptight” about things. That was the word they used if I got teary eyed about something: uptight!
But years later I learned that they were all wrong. In fact almost everything I was taught as a child was wrong. I know that from experience because anytime I took those conventional suggestions, I always ended up depressed and ended up in the exact opposite situation from where I wanted to be in. I look back to my school years and what my parents used to say and everything they suggested was wrong for me. It's amazing actually. What I learned as a child was to forget everything I learned and be who I'm suppose to be and want to be.
My emotions and feelings I soon learned were my gifts. Whenever I was true to myself, was when the world rewarded me for it. I do have problems yes, like if I play a game of mini-putt for example. I take the game so seriously, I must win or at least play the best game I can play. I treat things like that in the moment as if I will literally die if I don't win. And if I don't play my best, I'm hard to be with afterwards.
The problem is that failure is good because when failure happens is when you learn the most about yourself. What I still have to learn and got better at was to recover quicker from my failings. Yesterday a small error occured in our event setups and I treated it like it was the end of the world. Today I know it's not that big of a deal and that experience has lead to more insight and it's actually a good thing it happened. So my recovery time is much quicker. But I can't stop caring about things in the moment because it's just not who I am. And I have to keep playing the game of life no matter what.
My great strength in this life is that I care so much about things. And it's also my great weekness. As a child I was just told that it was a weakness. This makes me wonder how many kids right now are being treated for something that 'their so called elders' are thinking are a weakness for them. Sometimes you just have to flip that coin because it's a whole new world on the other side.
Larry David Moment
I was with Rae Dawn Chong last night setting up her script for our event on Wednesday when it will be read. She has a lot of magic to her. She took my hand and said to me “Do you know that you will be extremely successful as you have all the right pieces in place. And what you've done in taking nothing into a lot of something is remarkable. In 5 years you're going to have a lot of money and power and I hope you're ready for that because your world is going to completely change.”
How do you respond to something like that? Well I responded by blabbering about nothing for 5 minutes as Rae Dawn looked at me regretting everything she just said about me. How acting like an idiot for a moment can change someone's perception about you in a span of 3 seconds!
Sports Watching Moment
I hate the Blue Jays so much sometimes I just want to walk over to their stadium and yell at them for 10 minutes about their lackluster play. It's like they don't care! Why oh why do I care about a team filled with people I have never met personally? It really makes me wonder sometimes.
What I Learned Yesterday - Monday August 13th/2007
I decided to make a collage yesterday using pictures from my old Sport Illustrated issues. I wanted to get my hands dirty and be creative again like we used to do in Art class as kids. I have to say that it was a whole lot of fun. I was using that white glue that I haven't used in probably 17 years and I remember how much fun I used to have with it.
After a bit, the glue you are using will get on your hands and become sticky. Then it drys up on your hand and you get to take it off like it is snake skin. I don't know why that is so cool, but it is so cool. I almost forgot how much fun I had with glue. It's the simple things in life that are the most exciting.
Not taking things so seriouly
I looked at an Ant farm the other day and thought how this is a great analogy for our own world. Of course our world a bit more difficult now as we've invented a lot of things that obviously change the way we do things. But as its core, things are pretty simple.
Sometimes I tend to take things way too seriously. Afterall I'm really just an ant on the farm of life trying to do my thing to make it all better. I'm not a very religious man and I am not the one who can prove that there is anything higher than us out there, but I do know that I'm here for the purpose to get the best out of who I am with the environment I was brought up in and the talents and lack of talents I have.
Really, it is just as simple as that. If I fail, I fail. If I lose money and go homeless, so be it. All I can do is try. The world really isn't complicated, but I know I have tried to make it so. There are a lot of things that can change in this world and that's what we're here for. To make the farm work that much better. Ego does get in the way of this because as humans, we all have the choice to think they way we want to. Some are more in control to change things more rapidly than others, but we all still have our own brains, soul and heart to think and act however we want.
The trick and art I guees is to balance those thoughts with all of the information that's coming your way. To find that purity of what you really think. Some people I know are really not that influenced by others. They seem to be on a different horizon than most as their thoughts and feelings are the same as when they were born. Nothing has really changed them. Others, like myself, are influenced too much by our environment, it's hard to really understand who we were when we came into the world.
For me, I found my purity again when I crashed in life. I hit rock bottom and almost died. When I survived and started climbing the later again, I realized that I could do whatever I wanted in life. I also realized that people are the key to my survival and the right people need to be in my life. So I don't let in anyone who I feel that is not worthy and I tend to now push people away who are not helping me serve my life purpose.
I see a lot of lost souls out there. I was one of them and I might still be right now and just fooling myself. But all I know is that the only thing that matters is what I feel about things, then everything just falls into place. What harmed me before was that I was always on the fence, never really making a stand. It was because I cared too much of what people thought. Now I really don't care as I only care about what I think. Because I know now that I'm just a spec of dust in this complicated but simple existence and in the grand scheme of things, I'm one in a trillion of species living today.
Larry David Moment
Ah that internet. Adding some new elements to the site yesterday. You think something looks perfect because when you display it, it does. But then you look at it on a different server and it looks like crap. This put me in a mood yesterday. Can't these servers (Mozilla, Internet Explorer etc.) just get along? Why does something look different on two different servers? Is the world full of that much ego that competing servers can't perform a universal system. Or do I have that much ego that I actually think that if I do something for one company, the others will do the same for me.
Does anyone know a coding to make it all the same?
Sports Watching Moment
A.J. Burnett, pitcher for the Blue Jays came off his 1124th time on the disabled list yesterday and pitched a masterpiece. This is a guy who we all know in the world. The person who is so much more talented than everyone else but has the focus of a 5 year old. Don't these people get to you? You have to work twice as hard as them to get even close to what they can achieve. But what bothers me the most is people like that who don't put it all together. The world has given them a gift, at least they can focus to develop that gift and honor it.
Please Mr. Burnett, put your head together for the next remaining starts of the season and do what you're suppose to do with all the talent you have. Show us the artist you are and step up to the plate (pardon the pun).
What I Learned Yesterday – Sunday August 12th/2007
I had one of those days yesterday where nothing felt right. I was down on myself on the way I looked, how talented or lack of talent I have and really thought if I was doing the right things or not. Just a down day all around. There's two ways a day like this can go and if it carries over to the next day. Either it will drop you even further or you'll be better off because of it as you learned a lot about yourself.
I do realize that a lot of these thoughts and feelings have to do with my past.
Dealing with your past issues in the present
Yesterday I learned that I still have a lot of issues with my past. Some regrets of course, especially when it comes to a few members of the opposite sex and the way I was with them. It's that feeling you get when you're pissed off with past events that occured because you know now that it wouldn't of happened that way if you knew then what you know now.
But I also still have issues with people that I need to forgive or at least move on. These issues clog the brain and I have to learn to get it out of my system. I just realized that sometimes some of your issues are so far back in your soul, you don't even consciously know they are there now. That's when trouble begins.
I wish there was a clense for the soul. God knows one of my ex's explored every avenue for this. If someone invents a soul clensing, then the world will completely change. It seems that myself and some others seem to be living in the present, but taking actions like we're still in our past. And our past issues are controling what actions we're taking in the present. Then a vicious cycle begins.
I understand the concept of forgiving people as I know we're all human and we all do things that we really don't know better and we all make mistakes. I'm not angry at people anymore really but angry at myself for being so sensitive to past events and situations that hurt me so much. And why these stupid events of my past get to me even now. It's part of my problem. I'm always looking for perfection in everything, I just focus on the negative and not the positive.
I think just focusing on just the positive on things is just as harmful as just focusing on the negative. Negative feelings result in having perspective and learning so you don't make the same mistake again. There's a lot of good in it but I do get too carried away at times. It's all about the balance of focusing on the good and the not so good so you can become a better human being.
Life is a constant juggling of balancing things. Making sure things are as centered as possible. For someone like myself who has an addictive personality, this is always on my mind. Our society is filled with roadblocks to keep people off balance. Food and sex are obvious examples. Those two things are and can be good for you, but if you do it too much or become obsessed over it, then you're in big trouble. And if you don't do it enough, then you're in just as much trouble.
Larry David Moment
Was 'fooling around' with my girlfriend yesterday. When she was on top of me, my workout pants started to tear in the crotch area. These are my favorite pants and I didn't want them to tear, but I was also in the heat of the moment so to speak. So I had to decide to stop and save my pants or continue in the great moment we were having. I choose the later but now I'm angry that my pants are ripped.
To sacrifice the future for the moment? This is sometimes the hardest decision you have to answer on a daily basis.
Sports watching moment
I get too into watching baseball sometimes. I'm so angry with the Jays this year. There's nothing more frustrating than seeing people underachieve. It probably gets to me more than anything else.
What I Learned Yesterday – Saturday August 11th
I was feeling a bit lazy yesterday. Lazy in that way where you just don't think you're doing the right things. That there isn't a real purpose to anything as I was thinking I was being too selfish to the rest of the world. I always feel that what I do should always somehow relate to making this crazy world a better place. That I could make a little difference. That may sound corny to some, but it's really what I feel.
They say that if everyone just takes 5 minutes out of their day to do something different and help this world in some way, that there won't be any problems and a thing like Global Warning wouldn't exist. I thought about that and wondered if it was true.
Unselfish acts feel so good
A friend and I were walking through the forest trails they have in Toronto where plenty of people run, walk and ride their bikes. It's terrific looking scenery, quiet from the city noise and a great place to go to exercise and gather your thoughts.
We were having our typical philosophical conversation, chatting about how we can make the world a better place while also achieving our own goals and desires. We were stopped in the middle of the trail by two large trees that fell right in the middle of the path. This probably happened a few days ago I thought when we had that rain and wind storm. It took us a bit to jump over them to continue our walk.
My friend stopped about 50 yards later because he liked the spot and had a creative idea to perhaps shoot a short film in this area. As he was talking, we noticed that bikers and joggers were not able to get through the path because of the trees that fell onto it. Person after person saw the block and turned around back in the same direction they came from bitter at this inconvenience.
My friend and I looked at each other for a second and walked back over to the blocked path. Without saying a word, we started to move the trees to try to clear the path. It took only 5 minutes to do it, something I thought would take at least a half hour. As we were finished a few bikers in full stride passed by not knowing that just 30 seconds ago, this path was blocked by the trees.
There was a great message in that story for myself and it made me really think about a lot of things. I really thought moving the trees would of taken a long time, but it didn't. Makes me wonder how many times I didn't do something because I thought it would of taken me a long time. Usually things are not as hard as you think they are.
I also wonder that if my friend was by himself, if he would of moved the trees. I know I wouldn't of if he wasn't there. It was more of a competition thing for us mixed with the context of our conversation. It's good to talk about doing good things, but actually doing it is what's important. So we decided to do a good thing mixed in with the challenge of doing it.
All I know is that doing this simple act felt so good. I saw how we changed other peoples lives and I wonder how long that tree would of stood in the path if my friend and I didn't move it and how many people's paths would of changed.
5 minutes a day and do something good and different. I think I can manage that and selfishly I will because the feeling I get is so inspiring, it makes me a better person.
Larry David Moment
I got a little freaked out yesterday. The schedule I had in the morning went exactly as planned. It's what I aspire for everyday but never get. And when I do get it, I don't know how to handle it becasue it's exactly what I wanted. Do I really want things to change my schedule to make my day a little more challenging?
Sports Watching Moment
The Jay's game last night was a terrific game. Such an enjoyable experience. Our Shortstop John McDonald is a magician. The plays he makes on the field makes my eyes pop out of my sockets. He turned this double play last night that saved the game and was so remarkable I wondered if there is another artist in the world who is at a higher peak than this guy.
Of course he can't hit a lick but I don't care if he goes 0 for 100. Having this guy in the lineup just makes our team a whole lot better.
What I Learned Yesterday – Friday August 10th
It's time to stop and smell the roses. I need to really take a look and see where I am. Too much has happened in the last two years and I don't want to move further until I really understand what happened to me.
Yesterday was an aniversary for me so to speak. It was 2 years ago that I walked out on the most influential relationship of my life.
The right people are the key to survival
I jumped into a very unbalanced and emotional descructive realtionship in my early 20's. I was not a very happy person during this time as I had a major drug problem. I was heading into the direction of death in a matter of months before I decided to give life one last shot. I wanted to quit so bad but it was so hard. The hardest part being that I didn't know if anything better was there. At least I could get high and feel good sometimes before the hit left my system.
But I knew that I could get the best out of myself and I was destined for greatness, so I had to give life one last shot. That might sound a tad heady for some, but ever since I was a kid, there was always this cockiness or confidence inside of me that knew I was one of the few who would make all of my dreams come true. From my first memory I just thought I was different from everyone else around me and was more special. Now I don't think I'm more special than anyone now as we're all the same, but my frame of mind was just different. Thank god, but because of this blind passion I had, it is the reason why I'm still alive.
I went so far down I really didn't want to live anymore. But this woman came into my life out of left field and changed me. She really didn't care what anyone thought of her and always spoke whatever was on her mind. Doing this has lead her into a most unusual life. People hate her because of her frankness and in a way, she hates herself. She just doesn't know any better. Either she is behind or way ahead of the times. But the one thing she taught me was to not care what people thought except the 4 or 5 people you decide to really be in your life.
She cleaned me up because she liked me and wasn't going to have a boyfriend who was going to do any of that stuff. I really had nothing better to do, so I beat it eventhough it was the toughest thing I ever did. I remember the day of November 2nd 2001 like it was yesterday. I was struggling to survive and really wanted a high. During this time I went back to baseball and watched most of the playoffs to keep my mind off things. I hated the Yankees and it looked like they were going to win the World Series. In the bottom of the 9th, they were up by one and had their ace reliever on the mound who seemed to be unstoppable. I told myself if the Yankees were to lose, it would be a sign for me to stop doing hard drugs forever. The Yankees lost and I haven't touched them sense. It was my sign.
It took about a full year to get all of these bad chemicals out of my system. And it took me two months after that for my brain to fully come back to me. And when it did, I took off. But I was still in this relationship with this woman who helped me out but it was obvious there wasn't much of a relationship. Our core morals were different and we really didn't have that sexual chemistry you need to have to survive a long term relationship. She wanted me to settle down where I wanted to keep settling up. And there was just so much anger between the two of us. We hated each other a lot because of past events and she never forgave me for completely changing into a different person.
So one day I just left and never came back. I started a new chapter in my life. It was exciting, it was scary and it was a lot of fun. I left behind over half of my possessions and really became a new man again. I realized that when you leave a major influence behind, another one comes into your life to balance the scales so to speak. It always works that way. Seeing this, I knew that I had to be very careful of who I let into my life. It's all about who you spend your time with. People influence you so much, you have to be careful not to let in the negative types or the people who just don't share your ideals and beliefs. And you also don't want someone who is exactly like you either, because that never works. You always need to learn someone new every hour you live and your core influences will usually take care of that by taking in and listening to their experiences.
So I thought back to the two years since I decided to leave the biggest relationship of my life and I have to say thank god I did. It's funny but everyone I hung around with before then are really not in my life anymore. A lot those people are good people, but I have to admit I am so much better off now. I have the right people in my life and it starts with my current girlfriend. There isn't 10 minutes that go by when I'm with her that I don't learn something new.
Larry David Moment
An old friend of my who I've known for over 15 years since our football playing days was in a theatre show that I needed to attend. I have been avoiding it because he was going to be naked in it. I love him and everything but I really didn't want to see him naked.
So he basically spent almost 90% of the play completely naked. What will fuck me up forever are my first two thoughts when he took off his clothes off on stage: #1) He really should be more erect for this scene as it's what his character needs. AND #2) He really should be doing more AB work when he goes to the gym.
I will never be the same person again after this experience. You want to get close to your friends and the people you love, but there is a line to that closeness. I stepped over that line. You can't control your thoughts but goddamnit I wish I could.
Sports Watching Moment
Watched Bill Walsh's private funeral ceromonies on the NFL network. Interesting what people have to say about someone who obviously was a major influence in their field. One thing that kept coming up was friendship and teamwork. Funny because if you don't have those two things, you can't achieve a single thing in this world.
What I Learned Yesterday – Thursday August 9/2007
My girlfriend changed laptops yesterday. She went from a PC to an Apple as it just suits her personality and desires more. This conversion is a process because things are the same but really different as well. I got on it because I know I needed to learn the Apple conversion too. It's tough because you like it but it also takes time for that learning curve to develop.
This has been the year of change for me and this is another example of it.
Change is learning, change is fear
I grew in your typical suburban neighborhood at a time where everyone knew each other. I am from Niagara Falls and I was 15 years when the Bernardo murders happened. The mass murders where he and his wife raped and killed those young teenagers. When this happened, our whole world completely changed. In a span of a few weeks, everyone was so scared of everyone else, that there wasn't anymore 'Hi ya doings' in the neighborhoods. People didn't trust anyone because of these killings as Bernardo was a man who lived in your typical suburban household and he and his wife seemed to be like your typical couple.
So when this happened, a whole lot of change happened. I was forced to grow up right away. Of course no one in the 'older years' knew how to handle it. Especially the teachers. Most teachers choose the vocation because they receive a nice salary (in Canada, the teachers union is one of the most powerful unions there is. For example, they have so much money, they own Canada's biggest sports franchise, the Toronto Maple Leafs), a great pension and get the summers off. A lot of them don't become teachers to actually teach the next generation and make them better people.
Most teachers just didn't know how to handle what happened. Whether we choose to admit it or not, us teenagers needed support and understanding. So the teachers choose the FEAR ROUTE. The easy route.
What I learned from those teachers in that time was a lot. Mostly, what not to do in times of struggle and misunderstanding. Basically to do the exact opposite of what they did for us. What I learned is that less is more. All you have to do is listen to someone and hear them out and not judge. Then you can get a feel for what they are thinking and you can offer some advice from your experiences but not tell them to do anything. People are smart and we are all unique. Most of the
