Jesse Ryder Hughes Blog
|
I called a good friend of mine the other day just to talk. She is a beautiful woman and doing really well. She has such a powerful positivity about her that it’s hard not to love her. We became good friends in theatre school, I think we became friends because we both have a huge sense of wonder. This wonder that I have has made people look at me as being innocent, but I also wonder about the darkest dirtiest parts of human existence and I love evil as much as I love good. My friend has a beautiful wonder where she sees how great everything is. It was refreshing to talk to her, because I don’t get to talk to her much, and she told me a great and inspiring story. She just got a job at a new upcoming theatre company out in Picton and she wanted this role with all her heart. She got it. She had told me she went in there and showed the panel her shit. She took no less. This kind of confidence is so nice to see, because it gave me confidence. People like her can make you feel great or they can make you feel jealous. I wasn’t jealous, I was so happy and the life she gave me was a blessing.
I have a lot of great stuff. I wonder why I don’t show it all the time. Could it be judgment still? More and more though I am finding my craft through mistakes and successes, but more through failure though it seems to be my way.
I want people this positive around me all the time, but it’s hard living in the city and when you’re a nice guy that everyone tends to latch on too it can be extra hard to escape to find positivity. It can be draining and deflating. But I like the nice guy. I have heard a lot of flack against nice guys this year for some reason. I don’t like that. I am overly caring and sensitive and I use to let people walk on me a lot more than I do now. A teacher had said that there is a book called the price of nice. I already could imagine what this book is about, but I haven’t read it so I shouldn’t assume. All I can say is I was born with this gift and there is no way anyone will take it from me or tell me it’s wrong. I would just get lost, because I use it in theatre, on set and with the people around me. I could’ve let it take me into extreme passivity, where this teacher was trying to get at, or I could become confident and strong within it and accept it as
I’m beginning to understand also the opposites in life, more clearly. I’m reading a book called The Actor and the Target by Declan Donnellan. There is always two things happening at once and it is so true. We don’t look at things one way. I’ll look at myself in the mirror, I won’t just see a reflection of me, but I’ll see a man driven by telling the truth or a man afraid to say the truth, because someone will get mad and flush his career down the toilet. These kinds of thoughts are with me all the time. The thoughts pertaining to fear cost a lot of confidence points, but they are there right now. If I could just use them and have fun with being afraid then it wouldn’t be nearly as bad. Stick them in the back and know they are there. The stakes. I found a lot of this worked well for me playing Romeo last week. There were still things I wasn’t totally connected too, but I was understanding stakes a lot more clearly. The only problem there was that I didn’t let the stakes soar as high as I wanted until the final show, but I’m happy that I was able to work on them and understand another piece of the puzzle.
Right now I’m having trouble with the specifics of acting. The Imagination. I do feel a little stagnate even though I’m getting better at preparing. The specifics are especially vital for film. They are huge, because that camera really doesn’t lie. I’m going to work on a scene for next week’s class and hope that I cannot confuse myself anymore. I just need to clarify even more for myself so that the audience understands the profundity and clarity.
The business is so important the more and more I understand. I have not taken many risks with the business. I’m hesitant. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve got nothing to lose. I’m nobody in this business, but I am somebody. That counts for the risk taking I should and want to be doing. I haven’t even sent casting directors my headshot and resume. I was afraid my resume was too small and I’m always broke so I kept putting off buying headshots. These are bad excuses and habits to fall into. If I think like that I‘ll always be broke. This summer is the time. I know I am good enough to do this. I know I have a unique power like everyone else and most of all I love stories and knowing that we can all feel for each other even though we hide it and hiding it is all a part of the beauty for me. Fears can really make us become self involved, but breaking out of that is so beautiful. The flower growing through cement.
Sometimes reading acting books worries me, but I just keep doing it. I just want to know what I can relate to and can’t. It keeps my mind going and searching and striving to my goals and dreams. They feel like springboards to me to bounce off. Everyone is so different in their approach. It’s an ongoing process. I feel antsy right now, because I’m not performing. Those kind of feelings make me know this is right. I don’t want the theorizing cutting in way of the fun. Fun comes first for me and it’s one of the hardest things for me to achieve. I like what I’m doing, but having fun is much, much more satisfying.
Return from Jesse Ryder Hughes Blog May 6th home page
