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Jesse Ryder Hughes Blog Entry March 21st
Observing is what I am really good at. It’s a part of my process. It even slows down my process a great amount. I am observing the world around me and myself within it. What I do and what my insecurities are, and the new insecurities that come to the surface. Facing them with as much bravery as I can muster; if I don’t let them take over. I understand where they are coming from and it is from being wrong and different. For being who I am. Intellectual, brave, goofy, incredibly sensitive, scary, angry, weird, happy, quiet and so on. All this sits in a world that I love to watch. People acting off each other; letting their feelings ride. Someone makes them laugh while another person triggers anger while another person can send a shiver down your spine. I am learning through this observance that I can control myself, but I can’t pass up the opportunity and hide these emotions. They are there and they are what makes me who I am, and what makes us human beings. I am beginning to understand more why a person does the things he does. I look at a man screaming in the street and I can see something massive and huge behind that screaming where I have seen other people pretend he is not there, or they get offended. Not me. I want to understand this human race through as much heart as I can so I understand my own confidence within it. So I‘ll keep watching and becoming self aware. I am really frightened of becoming lazy. I am an extremely hard worker and I want not just to be an actor, but show my gifts to people, so they can take what I have. Essentially I want to give, and give something huge. Coming out of theatre school I stayed in the acting circle. I have met a lot of great people. People I feel I have graced and people I feel I have disappointed. All in all it happened and I am fast on learning my mistakes. I know I am a hard worker. I don’t like drinking anymore, except a beer with my girlfriend after a period of time of working hard. It was really scary coming out of school and being young. People tend to have a strong impact and influence on me. My mom always says I listen to my friends too much. It is really true. I feel influence has brought me down, but it is myself that has to do something about it. It is always there. I am scared of falling in that world and being lazy and not getting anything done. I will do what I know how to do. Lead by example, and take other peoples examples too along the way. I think everything in life has a purpose or else it wouldn’t be here. I am not a religious man, but I can understand religion. The spirituality of which comes with religion. I am definitely spiritual. It is what makes me accept and understand.
I want to find my voice. I feel I should have it now, but I’m afraid it won’t come until my thirties. Right now is the time of craft, living and learning; money, also, if I can make it. I have a fear my voice. Its power and it’s positivity, and what it can do. This is actullay my voice right now! Now I understand that it will grow. It is coming and I won’t be afraid to use like I am now. Saying “No” to people is the first start. Letting people know what I am off the start, so there is no bullshit involved about who likes who. I tend to make myself smaller than the other person in a first meeting, which is one of the reasons I panicked in my first film audition. I understand my potential and uniqueness and so should everyone else. I believe we have everything in us we need. I have seen my dark side, I have seen my bright side, which is where I like to live, but I understand the line to tread on and it is good for my acting working to jump back and forth to make multidimensional characters using myself. I have a gift for acting and I have been told that this is what I am suppose to do and I knew it when I was 10 years old. It’s up to me to take it and run and not look back. We have one life. We are just specks on this earth, but we are all powerful and huge in our own rights. Understanding each other, not being selfish, sharing and taking what is ours and living with love and fighting to find our potential through each other.
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