IF I FAIL THEN I FAIL
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IF I FAIL THEN I FAIL
Blog by Jesse Ryder Hughes
I’m beginning to find out that you will say wrong things to people. Even with good intentions . What you really want to say sometimes needs to be found through mistakes.
I’ve had a hell of a summer. It was full. Stacked with small jobs and a head full of dreams. Feelings of being taken advantage of and looking for the strength inside me to stand up for what I want to do, while “help me’s” and “do this’” were emanating my sub conscious. So what did I do after this summer was over? I stepped up to the challenge of directing a play. Thirteen actors are involved plus more people behind the scenes. I have found myself in a situation I want to be in, and can face my fear of talking to people, because I’m forced too. Rehearsals have started and I have found ways of guiding actors with particular questions. Questions that will allow the freedom for them to make choices, but also realize the power of the situation they are in. I don’t know if I’m a good director since I have never done it, but goddamn I’m gonna try. If I fail, then I fail.
I am enjoying very much watching the play take form and grow. I can also see why directors can become jaded by actors. I am not going to let that happen. I have already had to deal with upset, mad actors and it is really hard to find the right words to say to keep them comfortable and at ease. I have failed in that respect in one case and it has been bothering me since. I don’t think I used the right words in my opinion of the matter. My fear of talking and upsetting people clicked in, but in the moment I had no choice, but to be honest, because there was no way around the situation. I know because I looked for one. I was calm and friendly about it all, but I’m going to say things that won’t help a situation in my life and I am going to learn from them.
Before getting the directing gig I froze this summer. I stopped going for what I want. I hit a massive wall and completely crashed. I felt I had no one to talk to about it. No one who would understand. I felt I didn’t even understand. I could see through it though and I could grasp on to what it was I needed to do. I felt blocked in my acting work. Blocked by the business. Blocked by different theories of the ways everything should be. What was a twenty-five year old man worth. I have talent and I want nothing more in the world, but to act. I couldn’t understand why I cut everything off? I was busy, but my heart felt like it couldn’t express itself in any way. It was the hardest and most scary time of my life. I felt like a sheep. I could see myself becoming a sheep. Not doing anything and making money wherever I could. I was working hard on yoga and reading plays, studying movies and talking to my brother about them. It stopped. I became extremely tired and overly worried about everyone being disappointed in me and how surprised a lot of people were about how I should have been farther along in my career. I could only hear that so much. Then I got a letter in the mail from Martha Henry whom I’d auditioned for in the Stratford auditions. She wrote me a beautiful letter making me feel that I am a strong individual and this is the path that I am on. I didn’t get into Stratford, but she gave me the hope that I could become something amazing one day. I may be far behind some of my friends at this point and I may not be where I dreamed at now 26 years, but that letter made me feel great and I don’t care what anyone’s against, theatre, Stratford, film, improv. I love them all and I feel now I am ready to take the world on and kindly remind myself to say “FUCK YOU” every once in awhile. It’s healthy for a guy like me. A nice guy born with no backbone. I have to say though if directing doesn’t make you tough, you are a wonder.
My thoughts were answered with a few commercial gigs after the letter. I also made steady and successful strides improvising and making a Harold team. The Harold is a type of long form improv played with a team. So I’m rising the ranks with the strong players at Bad Dog Theatre. Right after I stood my ground at a meeting with my theatre company that I want to direct one of the next shows. It was something I always wanted to try and I did it. I have learned about people through this experience in great detail. I have realized how hard it is directing friends. I am proud of my successes in the past little while. They may not be financial or star making successes (the constant pressure as a young actor), but they are human and character building successes, which makes life that much more rewarding. What is also rewarding is that realizing when people take the time to do something great with what they are given and love, they make work and play that much more enjoyable. I have seen it first hand now. I want to work with people like that.CLICK HERE and read more BLOGS from Jesse Ryder Hughes.
