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DOING and DIRECTING
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I think my blog will be clearer now that I’m writing in an Arial font and not that uptight Times New Roman.
It’s been a while. Lots has happened. I did my birthday show or the show on my birthday and it was really fun. My parents came to town to see it and to celebrate mine and Jack’s birthday. It was a miracle that it came together as well as it did. Adam Lazarus is a rocking director and I had so much fun working with him. I felt very supported by my friends who came and saw the show. It was great. I was so happy at the end of it and relieved it was over I jumped up and down like I was 8 years old. I think a part of me does these solo shows for the terror/relief roller coaster it takes me on. Now I have to get it ready for
I booked a job! A small part in the Amelia Earhart movie! It’s being directed by Mira Nair and stars Hillary Swank and Richard Gere. When I say small I mean one scene small. But I do have a character name and I’m thrilled. I love Mira Nair she’s such a cool director. I loved Monsoon Wedding and the Namesake and Hysterical Blindness. I watched Hysterical Blindness over and over because they were playing it so much on HBO and I had this love/hate relationship with the movie. In the end I gave in and I loved it. It’s just one of those emotionally uncomfortable films. Gena Rowlands is one of my favorite actresses. Mira Nair is gracious and real. I’m supposed to shoot at the end of May. So hopefully I end up in the final product. Keep your fingers crossed.
It’s such a strange journey. At the callback I kept telling myself to stay present. Stay here. Nerves can make me leave my body. Then I walk into the audition and am a little bit like an acting zombie, leave and feel so frustrated that I didn’t even show who I really am.
I directed a short film yesterday. It’s a twenty buck film. That’s the film collective I’m in. We make a short film a month and each month we’re assigned a different task. So far I’ve written one, d.o.p.’d, pa’d, acted in a few and now I’ve directed. I learned a lot about acting having to direct. I know it’s a cliché but I see how actors don’t trust sometimes. They think they need to do more. But I know I’ve been devastated by directors who tell me not ‘to act’. It’s demoralizing. I understand better now what they mean. But I think it’s easier to create an environment where the actors feel safe enough to trust and just do it. Also, it’s film. You can do it over and over. Afterwards though I was worried that we didn’t get what we needed. That people won’t understand the story. I guess I’ll see. I want to do more. I liked it. We found some funny stuff just exploring on the day. Happy accidents.
I’m doing that acting camp that my friend Constance runs here in Toronto in August. And I’m getting some stilts made so I can start doing that here. I’m still figuring out how to do all the things I love and pay my mortgage and support my child. How did this happen? How did I suddenly become Marsha Mason in The Goodbye Girl?
Then there’s the part of me mourning the fact I’m not having another baby. Not that I want one, really. Or that I am in any position to have one. But all around me people are having their “second” and that’s just not going to happen for me right now or maybe ever. And I’m sometimes plagued with guilt that Jack will be an only child. Or that he’ll be the “half” brother. I’ve been having dreams of babies and feeling incapable of taking care of them. A girl. A baby girl. But it is a big commitment. Two years out of commission. And really we are all happier. I should speak for myself. I’m happier. I’m sad that it didn’t work out. I’m heartbroken really. But I’m more myself. Now. In this moment. Here. Now. I’m not going to pretend I’m not a little (or a lot) terrified. But that’s a good thing. I think. Right?
