BEING DISTRACTEDBeing Distracted
I haven't written my blog in awhile. I feel bad about it, and I think about doing it when I get home, but it seems these days, although it has been a great summer, I get constantly distracted. When I was in school I was incredibly focused and going for it and my heart couldn't be any where else. I still have the same feeling, but I feel I'm all over the place. This is a part of my talent though, but it can get really tedious and difficult and annoying living in this place, but then the beauty that I see around me makes me feel like it's the best place to be. It is an open mindedness. When I see actors getting picked all the time I am constantly wondering what I am doing wrong. Whether it is wrong what i am doing or not I know in my heart that the way I am living is going to bring real gifts in the end. The biggest challenge of all when it comes to open mindedness is fear. You face yourself in numorous fears and they keep coming at you. I am taking it as an understanding in fear. Understanding the consequences, which becomes a fear in itself. I've been called wishy washy, flaky, and indecisive, in my life. These are things that made me question who I was. I thought if I was these things I couldn't be an actor, but I am beginning to understand the challenges I have found and put in front of me. Reaching for true confidence, which is what I am looking for and I am almost there. The events that have happened to me this year are proving to me that I am almost there. My unknown lone trip to New York was one, my understanding of negative energy is another. That has probably been the best thing I have come to understand. Is how to deal with negative energy. Knowing when people are saying things that could be negative on you, when they are unaware of it. I am even now aware of my own negative energy smacking friends in the face, but they don't realize it yet. My good friend and I were talking last night about Robert Altman. He was telling me that Altman was confused a lot through his life, but daring to try new things. That made me feel better. I am confused a lot. I never know what to say when I am out talking with my friends, because I have heard so many right ways on how When I went to New York it was amazing. It blew me away. I was like a little kid again. I was alone and in control. No one to stop me and no one to tell me where to go. I did everything that I wanted and it worked out perfectly. I saw Christopher Plummer and Brian Dennanhy in "Inherit the Wind" and I saw Vanessa Redgrave in "the Year of Magical Thinking." It was amazing to see these hard hitters going at it. I can't even explain my experience. The feelings of joy and freedom I was having were astounding. I thought to myself I can be excited here as well. Get up and seize the day. Take it into your hands, no one to tell you right or wrong. I found when I was in New York people were talking to me. I was a ball of excitement and positive energy. I was so talkative. It made me wonder if that was where I belonged as well. So many thoughts and so many feelings. I saw so many little things, like a bag lady, passionate theatre goers and a guy from England that decided to come to New York and fly by the seat of his pants like I was doing. It was incredible. I flew back to Toronto and almost immediately my life turned back into the life I was running from for those three days. In September, I am leaving the roommate life to live with my girlfriend. It is exciting. I am going to change my life now that I will have a place to call home. No more dirtiness and laziness. I am going to balance my life into my work, family, friends and of course my girlfriend. Also nutrition and exercise is something I have left by the way side in the last couple months. It will be a great start.
|
