ART IS IMPOSSIBILITYART IS IMPOSSIBILITY
I’ve found out it’s true that impossibility is what being an artist is really about to me. That impossibility makes me doubt and question, why on earth did I choose to do this? It seems near impossible. I realized that this impossibility could work to my advantage. I just have to believe it and when I’m talking impossibility I mean the fact that I just want to understand. I don’t know if it is impossible to understand everything. I already know there are some things I will never understand, but if I can just understand humans and what we can do and what we have done and the beauty of it all, I’ll be very happy. I am very happy as it is. I just need to believe in the way my mind works and strive forward. It’s a slow process sometimes growing up. Sometimes I want everything at once and other times I can just wait, and give myself what I have right now. The latter is my choice, although the former creeps in every once in awhile when I see others doing well for themselves and I am still struggling. That jealousy and envy is all a part of the struggle. It is emotions I know I have and can understand and not judge them. I of course hide them when I’m in a crowd, but I also know how to be excited for others and enjoying their work all at the same time. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions and I don’t know which one to pick, but I feel I do have a choice. It took me awhile to understand that it is our choices that defines us. I realized this when I was confused about the negative and positive energy flowing through me. Which side to you choose? I think it is important to understand where these choices sometimes come from, because it doesn’t feel like I have control over mine sometimes, they just take over. Understanding my past helps me figure out the choices I’ve made to get to my point now, henceforth learning the path that I’ve taken and understanding that everyone has their own detailed path and choices. This discovery helps with acting big time, when creating back story or filling in the blanks in the scripts and bringing emotion and feeling to the character. I read about it in a book awhile ago, and I’m thinking about it as I’m writing now. I feel at a dead halt right now though. My improv classes are saving me. I’m gonna go all the way with them. I feel at a halt with auditions. A lot of actors have been feeling this in the past couple of years. I don’t get mad about it, because I‘m busy working on a play. I have to send out more packages. A lot of people tell me to keep doing it. That’s where this feeling of impossibility is coming into play right now. I don’t know how people want me to act, generally, in the business. I’ll only be myself and professional, but there are qualities about me that seem inexcusable in this industry. I’m very wishy-washy as some would say. It’s only because I’m thinking a lot in detail about things. Anyway back to the packages. I’m always worried I’m wasting my money doing that though. I’m gonna try anyway. See what happens. Write some things to casting directors and theatres. I’ll write how I feel. I was excited after improv class today. I’m never sure about taking compliments from others, but I am the only theatrically trained actor in my class. One of the guys in my class noticed and says it really shows, I was humble and talked about being lost and new to this improv thing and he said that even though I’m lost I do it a lot smoother. I took that compliment to heart immediately. It was actually one of the first compliments I took genuinely. It made me really think about how far I’ve come. It was oddly pleasing, because it felt genuine from him and it made it worth taking. I thought I would be with more actors in my class, but I was surprised to realize my whole class was basically doing this, because they wanted to do this for fun and learn, and escape from the day jobs. It is refreshing working with them. They are funny and smart and most of all supportive. It is great watching people grow and take chances. I’ve had some belly laughs and I’m looking forward to going back next week. We learned about emotion tonight and I realized how in tune I was with my emotion and how I could make choices easily. The only reason I stop myself in rehearsals is because I don’t know what the right choice is, which makes me question my confidence in my play and script analyzing skills. I think that is what I need to do next. I’m just gonna keep following where I need work. Being more and more aware of what’s going on. I’ve taken classes just to take them, but they didn’t serve me, because I wasn’t either ready for them or needed to be somewhere else at the time, which makes auditing classes extremely important. Looking at what the offers are. I’m realizing my differences and understand that I will be here and there and over there. Most of all I don’t want to keep going to classes to be broken down over and over again. I think I’m done now with that aspect of my journey. I need confidence, support, excitement and discipline right now. Positive environments. This brings me to my good old brother. He is doing well and I am extremely proud of him. He is working at school and making sure he puts in a number of hours in. He is even clocking himself. It is working for him. I’m going to use his technique and if it doesn’t work his inspiration to find my own is wonderful. This blog is definitely all over the place, but I feel I’m on a good path again and my losing streak is over. It is my choice to win.
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